Report: Kyrie Irving, Not A Normal Person, To Lead Us Into Tomorrow

Was Kyrie Irving going to be a "normal person" and decline his player option with the Nets for the 2022-23 season? Or was he going to "lead us into tomorrow" and pick up his player option for the 2022-23 season? Many basketball fans were pondering this question, in exactly these terms. But only one reporter could inform the world of Irving's choice in a timely and incomprehensible fashion. The Athletic's Shams Charania clearly respects Irving's ability to throw simple thoughts into a Vitamix. In a real "game recognize game" scenario, the pre-eminent stylist in hoops scoops took a seat and let the wisdom of his subject stand alone:

This reporter has made a habit of uncritically transcribing Kyrie's thoughts on topics that actually matter, so he might as well do the same for a contract update. Tonally, Charania (disembodied cop-speak) and Irving (conspiratorial Instagram rambling) make for a potent match. But what's the funniest possible voice we could add to this extremely dumb news cycle?

Ah, there it is.