New Jaguars general manager James Gladstone looks like every NFL owner’s great grandnephew. He looks like he just ordered employees at the NIH to email him “five things that made you hype today.” He looks like someone an NFL player would beat the shit out of after mistaking him for Ben Solak. He looks like he believes the future of global economics lies in Queefcoin. You get the idea.
But Gladstone arrives in Jacksonville with a decent pedigree, including a nine-year stint—did he start work after graduating from middle school?—in the Rams’ front office. The Rams are a good NFL organization. They have their shit together, so it would stand to reason that Gladstone, despite the remarkable amount of Charlottesville energy he gives off, would prove surprisingly eloquent up on the podium. Sean McVay is a young guy too, you know! Not every young is hopeless! Maybe this paperboy is just what the moribund Jaguars have always needed!
Oh. Oh reader, how wrong that is. The invaluable Mike Tanier attended the NFL combine last week and, while not observing Starbucks heir Jordan Schultz stomp his feet at Ian Rapoport, braved Gladstone’s first combine press conference and came back with a host of brutal soundbites. Here’s a little preview quote just to get you started:
I don't ever view the number of years that I've had on planet Earth as a limitation.
OK yeah, that lines up with the photos I’m seeing here. Now for the main course:
I'm going to calibrate my own mode of operation to the Jaguars' current mode of operation. One person changing — rather than a large group changing — in the immediate mode is going to be a little bit more efficient and less disruptive. I think adaptability is certainly a key trait that any leader or person in this space is going to have to embrace, and that's one I look forward to deploying so that our entire group actually sees that in action.
Got all that? No? It certainly appears that the number of years Gladstone has had on planet Earth, located in the solar system, has yet to limit his own mode of adaptability! You guys are going 4-13 every season until the universe has collapsed upon itself.
