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Journalismism

Never Hire A Sports Blogger To Do Anything

Me blogging
(Photo by AFP via Getty Images)

Did you hear the big news? Here’s the big news:

You may not be familiar with Kyle Lamb, but if you have spent much time on the internet reading about sports, you are familiar with the type of guy he is. The short version: He’s a dude who took the photo for his Twitter avatar in the front seat of his car, has blogged about Ohio sports teams at various and mostly rinky-dink websites for years, and is 40 years old. You know that guy! You see that guy in Clay Travis’s Twitter replies.

So, how does a guy like that end up getting a job from the governor of Florida to do “data analysis on several fronts”? The Miami Herald can explain rather succinctly:

In frequent posts on Twitter and sports message boards, Lamb has said that masks don’t prevent the coronavirus from spreading; that lockdowns are ineffective; that hydroxychloroquine, a drug touted by President Donald Trump, can treat the virus; that COVID-19, which he said might be part of a Chinese “biowar,” is not more deadly than the flu; and that the virus isn’t dangerous for children to contract.

Miami Herald

I guess I don’t really need to tell any of you this, unless you happen to work for Ron DeSantis or some other dump-brained governor who is considering beefing up his COVID-19 task force with someone who used to write blogs for TheGatorSwamp dot com, but here it is, anyway: Do not hire a sports blogger to do any job whatsoever.

I can say this with conviction because I am a sports blogger, and have been around dozens of other sports bloggers during my years in the sports blogging industry. During those years I have learned that sports bloggers cannot be relied on to do things like begin the workday at 9:00 a.m., properly feed themselves throughout the day, and not put two spaces after a period. They will paste from Microsoft Word directly into the CMS and break it. They will never spell “Tagovailoa” correctly, and never bother googling to check. They inexplicably suffer concussions at higher rates than anyone save actual athletes. They think filling a Big Gulp with gas-station espresso is an acceptable and healthy habit. They cannot be trusted to not accidentally publish a story at 3:00 a.m. instead of 3:00 p.m. Do you want to know how I “stayed organized” while at my last sports blogging job? I would periodically remember something I was supposed to do, at which point I would open an email draft and type 1-4 words that were supposed to remind me, at some future date, to do that thing I had just remembered. I am, at this very moment, looking at an old email draft that contains the phrases “spelling bee Victor,” and “Doctors.” I don’t think I ever completed those tasks, whatever they were.

Anyway, Kyle Lamb is just a dumber version of me, and you wouldn’t want me in charge of any data analysis, would you?