I wasn’t really on my game for this week’s episode of The Distraction, because I’ve had to spend the past few weeks helping to tend to a sick member of my family. Real “good days, bad days” shit, if you know that fun little drill. I, the Distractor, was Distracted. Thankfully, crowd favorite Rohan Nadkarni was game to serve as my co-host for the week, subbing for David Roth, whom I recently terminated with extreme prejudice because he ate a bite of my dipped Italian beef sandwich without asking first.
Rohan got to hear a quick summary of my travails … a bit too quick, because he was more than confused by all of the moving parts that summary included: a sick loved one, a poorly timed car accident, and a surprise eight-hour errand to hand-deliver vital documents to the U.S. Naval Academy. No, I’m not Jack Ryan. I’m just a man. But duty called me, and I answered.
Speaking of duty, and sundowning, let’s talk about Creamy Joe Biden. While Rohan and I did talk up sports this week—most notably the ways in which the NBA’s new apron infrastructure has robbed good teams of important pieces and has rendered Woj Bomb Season irritatingly tranquil—we had to talk about the donkey in the room. I’d vote for an addled Joe Biden 1,000 times over Donald Trump, but the election season machine has already set itself dead against him, seemingly for good. Democrats think Biden will lose. The press thinks Biden will lose. Dr. Doug Ross thinks Biden will lose. And New York reporter Olivia Nuzzi, a closeted friend of the alt-right, just wrote an exposé of Biden that blew up the internet even though the only named and insightful source in Nuzzi’s piece was … Olivia Nuzzi. Whether or not Biden is getting treated fairly in this process is now beside the point, and I realized that just as Rohan pensively told me that he believes that Donald Trump will win reelection, and that it scares him to death. I wanted to counter Rohan’s doomerism with my usual dose of righteous sunniness, but I had no good rebuttal, because there isn’t one. And because I’m tired.
So, with that in mind, I’m gonna need an equally tired Joe Biden to come to what’s left of his senses and bow out of this race. Do I trust Democrats to find a suitable replacement, and to get that sub on the ballot in time? No. Do I have any better ideas for them? No. Shit is what it is, and THAT, alas, was the subject of this week’s Distraction.
We also talked about buffets.
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