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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Tonight?

Urban Meyer Postgame Physical graph. It's all the way to the end.
Illustration: Chris Thompson

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformancemismanagement, or scandal.

Just a few weeks ago, the Jacksonville Jaguars could lose and the Defector Medical Evaluation Action Team (D-MEAT) would still rule Urban Meyer to be in OK spirits. But as the days get darker, so do things for Meyer and his tenure as the Jaguars coach.

He’s had a tough week. Monday, he admitted players were running wrong routes. Because the New York Post wrote about it, it was aggregated at Fox News (warning: currently running an autoplay video with a “VACCINATING KIDS” graphic). People who own those right-wing pillows are putting their heads down at night and thinking about how bad Meyer’s Jaguars are. Meanwhile, local reporters are questioning whether it’s time for him to go and The Athletic is wondering whether Jags owner Shahid Khan will fire him.

Yeah. So then the Jags had to go play the 7-4 Los Angeles Rams in Inglewood, and it went about as expected. Brandon Powell returned the opening kickoff into Jacksonville territory, and it was 3-0 less than three minutes into the game. James Robinson fumbled on the Jags’ second offensive snap, and it was 10-0 on a Sony Michel touchdown less than five minutes into the game. It was basically over then.

The Jags did close to within 13-7 on a Carlos Hyde touchdown in the second quarter, but all it did was make people angry that he scored instead of Robinson. Ah well. A respectable 16-7 halftime deficit turned into a rout in the third quarter; the final was 37-7. The Jaguars had just 197 yards of offense. They are 2-10, and they have to travel to Tennessee next week.

It is the opinion of the D-MEAT that Urban Meyer is suffering from severely elevated levels of darkness in his bloodstream. Symptoms include lethargy, chills, impaired vision, discolored skin, and “icicle fingers.”

The Jaguars coach is currently in shady health. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.