[Eats a weed gummy]
[30 minutes later]
OK, I’ve figured it all out. It all makes so much sense now, God. So, the whole Aaron Rodgers-to-Minnesota thing won’t go away, right? Rodgers keeps telling everyone in the press, Oh, oh I’d love to play for the Vikings because they’re the coolest team in the universe! And then the press was like, Well you know Brett Favre went to Minnesota and was able to go out on a high note … and then throw a game-losing pick in the NFC title game before having his brain turned into egg salad the following year. And then our GM, Kwesi Adofo-Mensah, came out this week and was like, Well you know, we have to keep every door open because something something I worked in finance. And then everyone else was like, AHA! See? They’re totally waiting for Rodgers to come on in! HAHAHAHA stupid Vikings. They’re so stupid.
But hear me out … what if they’re NOT?
[Keeps talking despite having a mouthful of lukewarm cheese pizza]
See now, I’ve been thinking about this (for weeks; I have brain damage). The Vikings need to sign a backup QB, but they’re gonna wait until after the draft to do it, so that it doesn’t fuck with their comp pick math. Meanwhile, they have a kid QB in J.J. McCarthy who they love and think will be the bestest QB in the galaxy. They want the kid to start Week 1 and kick ass right out of the gate, but the kid hasn’t played any football in over a calendar year, and he’s coming off knee surgery. So the Vikings can’t be like, THIS KID WILL THROW 50 TOUCHDOWNS IN 2025, YOU WATCH! That would be very silly of them. They have to keep expectations low, even if that means telling the kid that he has to (wink wink) earn the QB1 job first. They have to keep the heat off of lil’ J.J. for as long as they possibly can.
What’s the best way to do that? By causing a distraction. And whoa hey, guess who’s still a free agent? And guess where that free agent wants to play? Oh, and did I mention that said QB also happens to be History’s Greatest Living Distraction? Aaron Rodgers can’t play quarterback anymore, because that’s too hard for him. But he can play the decoy by appearing on TV and talking about how using charcoal soap has increased his IQ by seven. He’s the perfect decoy, because he’s too stupid to know he’s being used as one.
You’re with me, right? No, don’t go to the bathroom! I’m about to tie it all together, you asshole! Fuck me? No, fuck you! Fuck you plus one! Now sit there and shut the fuck up!
Rodgers is willing to wait for as long as it takes Minnesota to call him. Minnesota wants to wait on publicly crowning the kid as starter until the last possible moment. So they tell Rodgers, Hmm yeah, between us we’re not sure if the kid is ready yet. Let’s see how he does in OTAs and minicamp to make triple-dog sure he’s good to go. If not, oh wow what a privilege it would be to have the great and legendary and totally smart Aaron Rodgers take over for us! It would be an even bigger honor than dying of measles! Don't sign with the Steelers just yet; we might need you to save us!
And then Rodgers, panting like a dog, is like, Yeah yeah yeah that’s sounds good! Gee thanks, thanks a lot! I’m gonna go drink some paint now to celebrate! And then the Vikings let him wait there like a fucking idiot all summer long, because they already know the kid is awesome and that they don’t need some busted shit-for-brains ruining the whole vibe in the locker room. They can just sign Carson Wentz for that role at half the price. And then, come August, the Vikes can do the human resources thing and tell Rodgers, Well, we don’t have any positions open right now, but we’ll keep your number on file in case anything comes up! And then Rodgers just keeps on waiting until he turns 78 and is like, Hmm, I feel like something fishy is afoot. And then he goes onto Pat McAfee III’s spacecast to announce his retirement due to a previously undisclosed aura injury.
Meanwhile, the Vikings win 18 Super Bowls with the kid back there. All because, before J.J.’s first season as starter, they knew a sucker when they saw one in Aaron Rodgers and took full advantage. It’s fucking GENIUS, I tell you. Genius! G to the Enius! You know I'm right about this!
No, Aaron Rodgers is not living rent-free in my head. He’s living rent-free in YOUR head. Weirdo. Get away from me.
