A $3.7 Million Home I Will Accept Out Of The Goodness Of My Heart

Sometimes, I dream that I am trapped in a house. It's the same dream every time. I am standing in the middle of a large, empty, gothic entry way. The floors are so cold, and for some reason I have been lying down, so now I am very cold. There is wind in the entryway, and my hair keeps getting in my mouth and I can't get it out. It isn't a nightmare, though I'm a little uncertain why it isn't. I have had much calmer dreams where there is not a ceiling threatening to fall that have felt much worse.

What's strange about the dream is that I feel peaceful in it. I like the strange hallway with its big stone floors. I like the rounded staircase I have to race up when the floor begins to fall out from underneath me. Dream Kelsey is very calm about all of this. When doors are locked, she doesn't panic.

I have googled "dream meaning trapped in house," and "dream meaning gothic castle" and "dream meaning ogival arch" so many times that all of the links are purple on the first three pages of search results. It is still unclear what the dream means. In this dream, I am always going through doors with pointed tops. I am always running through arches. The hallways are so long. It is somehow a peaceful dash, unlike any in real life. Maybe all any of this means is that I read The Mysteries of Udolpho and Northanger Abbey at the impressionable age of 20. Maybe it means, as the websites say, that I have something unresolved in my life. Who doesn't!?

But one thing I know for sure that it means is this: I am a sucker for a gothic arch.

Of all my weird home opinions, this is one of the few we have not been over in the almost two years of this column. So when reader Nick sent in a Zillow link to this week's house, I knew we had to discuss it.

The house Nick found is listed for $3,795,000. That's way too much money. But, it is located in Los Angeles, where most houses cost too much money. I have been to Los Angeles a few times, so I know that this house is located a little north of Los Feliz, which is where my celebrity crush Kristen Stewart lives, so we are already off to a great start.

It is four bedrooms, four baths, and 4,332 sq/ft. A truly monumental house. It has a giant yard and seems to back up to a very big park. I like that. I like going to the park. Here is the house:

Unfortunately for me, I love gothic doors but do not love the Tudor style of house in general. It feels like a barn to me, and while I do understand that it is not, my heart says barn. This house, however, has many interesting things happening. First, we have a big chimney, which seems very unnecessary in Los Angeles, but is pretty. We also have some chevron brick work, which I love. And the FRONT DOOR is a gothic arch. Gorgeous, to me.

Let's go inside:

That high pitched sound you hear is me shrieking. I love this. I like this inlaid floor that looks like it is grouted with concrete. I have some questions about earthquakes, but maybe if you have enough money to have an almost $4 million house, you don't have to think about that.

I call this kind of staircase "prom stairs," because it is the kind of staircase that teenagers stand on for prom so that you can see everyone's dresses. Guess what? I love it. And I find this koosh ball-ass light fixture very fun and exciting. Let's keep going.

Okay this is just another angle of the entry place, but we can see that someone actually paid attention to details. Look at how the light switches are brass! Look at this vintage door knob and key lock. Look at how the hinges on the door are big and strong. Look at that window!

My favorite thing about Los Angeles, after the immense amount of very good tacos, is the light. The light in Los Angeles is other-worldly. It is so much more golden than the light everywhere else I have been. The only place with similar lighting is Rome right after it rains. I do not understand what causes this as my understanding of weather is limited to push notifications on my phone, but it's so flattering!

Here is the great room: see this fucking light?

Look at that window! It feels almost fake. The perfect wood panelling. The contrasting high-floss tile floor. The piano. This big comfy couch. It feels like a Nancy Meyers movie already and we haven't even gotten to the kitchen. Here is another angle:

Since opening this photo, I have spent a long time deciding how many of my morals I would sacrifice in order to have this. There are a few things I don't love about this room, notably the white walls. With high-arched white ceilings, I think this room could benefit from some contrast, but what do I know. I also do not like that the railing on these stairs is a sad little rope. These stairs look glossy. I could tumble right off of them!

See how I have to nitpick? It's because this house is too nice. It has upset me. Rich people are supposed to have bad taste so that I do not become jealous of them.

Here is the kitchen:

Now, is this too gray? Yes. The gray makes my eyes cry. It is staged well, and I like all of these red accents, but imagine how much better the steel and white tile would pop if these cabinets were, say, navy? Or burgundy?

Sadly, I would die for this oven and hood, so the paint is only really a minor issue. Here is the dining room:

At this point I am forced to conclude that the people who lived here did not own any of this stuff and instead it was all brought in by a staging company. I must conclude this because the idea of people being rich and having this good and interesting of taste shakes me all the way to my core, and I do not have time right now for a crisis of self.

All of this furniture is beautiful, but furniture doesn't come with the house. The walls themselves, though, are also beautiful. We have big windows that open. We have great light. We have a really smart linear quality where the white panels draw your eye upward, and the horizontal strips of wallpaper and trim make the ceilings seem monumentally high. Cream does not upset me as a color scheme the way that gray does, so this is fine and can stay.

Through that big door is a stupidly cute sitting porch:

WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Look at these windows. Would they cost one gazillion dollars to replace in the instance that one broke? Absolutely. But in this fantasy we are rich.

This couch is pretty funny to me in that at first I thought it was the same couch from earlier drug into a different room. On closer inspection, though, it is just another green couch. I like the commitment to green couches. That's fun1

Because I like fun more than sophistication, I am imagining some stained glass pieces hanging in these windows and it's so beautiful it makes me want to vomit. Moving on and up the stairs we have a bedroom:

Here we have the first decision I truly disagree with. These black lines all appear to be wood to me. Whoever decided to paint them, I am sure, wanted high contrast, which I understand, but is a sin against my god, so all of this would have to be stripped. How do you strip a ceiling? Seems hard.

I love these little window boxes where we could put plants or a little window seat. That's cute. I could pile my clothes up over there for three weeks until they were all dirty again instead of ever putting them away.

Though I have to admit that this closet is tempting:

I have never been much of a clothes girly. I would like to become one, and the ideal version of me is a clothes girly who always looks great and has an immaculate closet. I do understand that the way rich people achieve this is by hiring a stylist. But I don't think you would have to hire a stylist if you had this closet. The mirror that mimics the door shape would simply reveal to you what you would look best in, you would pull your shoes from the shelf and be on your way.

Here is a bathroom:

I have surprised myself by liking this. It does not seem like something I would like. I like colors. I do not particularly like subway tile. But I like that it is floor to ceiling, and I like that it is inlaid so perfectly in that door frame. Plus look at this view:

Little smoggy, but wow. It has been so long since we have observed a house this nice. Here is another little sun room:

Imagine working in here, with the birds chirping. I love the built-in bench, and I love the giant plants, and I hate that everything is all white. It's fine. I will fix it when I am given this house as a gift for being so nice and working so hard.

I mean, look at this hallway!!!!

Always, in this column, I am whining about how hallways are boring. I generally hate hallways. They are almost always wasted space, and almost always treated as an afterthought. But the combination of these door frames, the vaulted entry way, the steps up to the hallway, and all these little details (the lights, the brass grates, the shiny floor, the art) really work for me. I would live in the hallway.

Now we have reached the one part of this house that makes me want to scream.

Why, with all this money, with all of the rooms we have seen, would you install a WALLPAPER THAT LOOKS LIKE A BOOKSHELF!!!!!!???? I have a giant bookshelf and I will admit it is difficult to clean. There is almost always dust on a shelf I forgot that only presents itself when I remove a book.

But if you have the money for this house, you don't even have to buy books! You can hire someone to buy the books for you and make them look nice. Hell, I am available to do this! Anyone who reads would be happy to partner with a bookstore and buy you 500 nice books that will make everyone think you are literate and cool. This garbage wallpaper makes me wanna cry. Let's leave it.

See, that's nicer. Another transition space just as lovely as possible. We've got a nice rug, and an Eames chair knock-off, and a door that we have to go through.

Wow, would you look at this. What a perfect table for me to present a dinner for my friends. I'm imagining a bunch of bottles of orange wine and a deep peach sunset and the lights flickering on just as everyone settles in to eat the food pulled off the grill hiding around the corner.

That sounds nice, doesn't it? We deserve it.

This week's house has been listed for $3.795 million for 51 days. It has a pending offer. If you bought this house, please let me live in it when you go to Europe in the summer. I promise that I am a very good house guest and will take good care of it.