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NHL

The Ottawa Senators Are Ruining Lives

David Rittch headbutts a wall
Sportsnet

These damn Ottawa Senators claimed another victim on Thursday. With a 6-1 dismantling of the Calgary Flames, the team that is still tied for last place in the entire NHL has now won five of its last seven games, and in the process they’ve somehow transformed from a completely irrelevant franchise into a squad that’s been at the center of every weird and fascinating story in hockey. And for on-ice reasons, too! Not even some hidden camera goofiness.

The most important thing that happened last night across the league is that, after he got yanked for giving up his fourth goal in 20 Sens shots, Calgary goalie David Rittich was so steamed and so ignorant of Gus Frerotte’s past that he headbutted a door in the tunnel out of anger.

This is indeed a very stupid thing to do, but it speaks volumes about how frustrating and difficult the Sens have been to their opponents over this past seven-game hot streak. They completed a humiliating comeback over the Leafs last Monday, beat the Canadiens bad enough that they fired their coach, and now have indirectly inflicted possible head trauma on Calgary’s second-string goaltender. Again, the Senators are in theory extremely bad—which is what makes this stretch so funny—but the victims keep piling up, and I can’t help but wonder who will be next. I’ve directed that mental energy into a list of possible future targets, which I’ve reproduced below.

TO BE CLEAR, this list should not be taken as any sort of endorsement or encouragement of the Sens’ reign of terror. If anything, it’s a warning about the sheer unpredictability of their season, and one that should be heeded if you know what’s good for you.

  • Montreal Canadiens interim head coach Dominique Ducharme
  • Flames No. 1 goalie Jacob Markstrom
  • Arizona Coyotes forward Conor Garland (it is unclear how this curse will affect teams that don’t even play the Senators, but I am ruling nothing out)
  • Former Detroit Red Wing Boyd Devereaux
  • Washington Capitals organist Bruce Anderson
  • Chelsea F.C. prospect Jake Clarke-Salter
  • Fox Sports “Rules Analyst” Mike Pereira
  • Defector Staff Writer Luis Paez-Pumar
  • Canadian Minister of Innovation, Science and Industry François-Philippe Champagne
  • Paul Goddard, President & CEO of Pizza Pizza Limited
  • My downstairs neighbor who really likes the Grateful Dead
  • Hall of Fame bowler Pete Weber
  • Singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers
  • Wrestling legend Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat
  • Acclaimed author Ottessa Moshfegh
  • Christopher Mintz-Plasse
  • Shigeru Miyamoto
  • Lauren Theisen
  • Hey, wait a sec….
  • Oh god.
  • Oh god!
  • A knock at my door? At this hour?
  • OH GOD