Skip to contents
This Is So Stupid

Proud Hoosiers, Now Is The Time To Take Up Arms Against Your Hated Buckeye Neighbors

Demarcus Elliott #94 of the Indiana Hoosiers applies pressure to quarterback Justin Fields #1 of the Ohio State Buckeyes
Jamie Sabau/Getty

Surely those of you who live in the great state of Indiana are already aware of the injustice that is brewing in the Big Ten Conference, but for those of you outside the Crossroads of America, let me enlighten your coastal minds. At the onset of this ill-fated college football season, the athletic directors, presidents, and coaches of the Big Ten unanimously agreed that, in order to obtain entry into this year’s conference title game, a university’s team must play a minimum of six contests. However, given the sudden and just completely unexpected increase in COVID-19 infections this fall, those who made the rules in September failed to foresee the sheer number of games that would fall victim to the pandemic. And with the recent cancellation of their final game against the Michigan Wolverines, The Ohio State University Buckeyes find themselves ranked as the best team in all of the Big Ten but also holding a record of merely 5-0, or just one below the number needed to qualify.

Those with an understanding of how rules are supposed to work would likely believe that Ohio State was simply out of luck, and that their place in the title game would be given instead to the 6-1 Indiana Hoosiers, who currently sit in second place in the East Division. But treachery is afoot. The rumblings that the Big Ten’s decision-makers would amend the rules to accommodate Ohio State’s shortcomings began as soon as the Michigan game fell off the schedule, and according to multiple outlets, the screwjob is all but a done deal.

I say to you now, proud Hoosiers, on this ninth day of December in the year of our Lord 2020, do not accept these unfair circumstances which have been thrust upon you. Do not allow the dreaded Ryan Day of Columbus to steal your much-deserved date with Northwestern after you have accomplished this most improbable of feats, winning six games and losing one during the stupidest college football season in living memory. Do not, under any conditions, let The Ohio State University’s amateur football players into Indianapolis on Dec. 19. Erect barricades! Take up arms! Lay down your life, if you must, for the good of the program.

You might think this is an overreaction, to declare war on Ohio over the scheduling of a college football game. But untold riches await those brave enough to fight for the Crimson and Cream. A mere 185 years ago, in this very Midwest, the noble territory of Michigan deployed its militia against the vile state of Ohio over a disputed claim to the Toledo Strip. As a result, in a compromise with the United States Congress, Michigan received its Upper Peninsula, and the economic benefits associated with its vast swaths of timber and deposits of minerals.

Imagine what glories will be awarded to you, honorable Hoosiers, for refusing to yield in the face of unjustified Buckeye bullying. Do not succumb to the notion that the coward Kevin Warren can determine which trophies your football team is able to obtain! Plunder them all for yourself, and in doing so, destroy the awful blight on our union that is Ohio State once and for all.