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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Today?

Illustration by Chris Thompson

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformance, mismanagement, or scandal.


Urban Meyer coached his third game in the NFL today, leading his Jacksonville Jaguars at home against the undefeated Arizona Cardinals. Though the Jaguars took a lead into halftime and indeed very nearly through the end of the third quarter, they ultimately fell behind on one of the worst flea-flickers you will ever see, surrendered a back-breaking touchdown drive to open the fourth quarter, and lost, by the score of 31–19, to remain winless on the season.

Jaguars rookie quarterback Trevor Lawrence once again failed to impress, completing 22-of-34 passes for 219 yards, with a score and two picks. Lawrence’s numbers were padded considerably by a late drive in which he completed five checkdown passes to running back James Robinson, and it was Lawrence’s strip-sack fumble on third-and-1 from the Cardinals’ 16-yard line that ended the game.

It is the Defector medical team’s understanding that Urban Meyer is currently crippled by painful spasms afflicting 598 of the 600 muscles in the human body, as well as dark and painful swelling of the gums and tongue, and the sudden shedding of all head and body hair. Additionally it is believed that Meyer is suffering from a rare and extraordinarily unpleasant condition known as “wandering colon,” which has made it difficult for him to complete at least one critical bodily function for most of the past three hours. Though his condition seemed to be improving early Sunday afternoon, with Meyer upright and moving under his own power for a period of several minutes, sources indicate that he is currently bed-ridden and incapable of all but the most rudimentary throat noises. Given his current condition, it will be difficult, bordering on impossible, for Meyer to coach another NFL football game.

Meyer is currently in very poor health. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.

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How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Today?