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Science

You Call This Going To Space, Jeff Bezos?

Amazon Founder and CEO Jeff Bezos talks about his 'Blue Origin Space Program' during a keynote session at the Amazon Re:MARS conference on robotics and artificial intelligence at the Aria Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada on June 6, 2019. (Photo by Mark RALSTON / AFP) (Photo by MARK RALSTON/AFP via Getty Images)
Mark Ralston/AFP via Getty Images

By now you know that Jeff Bezos is headed to space next month. Space: The Ultimate Mistress™. Now, when I heard about Bezos’s plan to rocket up into the sky, the first thing I thought about was that it would be funny if his spaceship malfunctioned and a breached nitroglycerin line found its way up his anus mid-flight. But the SECOND thing I thought about was that this man, with all his money, was going to experience the civilian dream of escaping the thermosphere, orbiting the Earth at 14,000 mph, and maybe waving hello to the International Space Station along the way. Seemed very cool. I was openly jealous.

What I did NOT consider was that Bezos’s little Major Tom voyage would be a goddamn fraud. Business Insider’s Morgan McFall-Johnsen (good name) gave an outline of Bezos’s itinerary, if it can even be called that, last week:

Bezos will float around the cabin of his company’s New Shepard spaceship for just three minutes before he has to strap in to his seat again and fall back to the ground.

But wait. There’s less. Three minutes is actually overestimating it:

Briefly, for just a minute or two, the New Shepard spaceship should clear the Kármán line — an imaginary boundary 62 miles (100 kilometers) above sea level, where space begins.

NOT EVEN THREE MINUTES. Bezos isn’t even going into orbit because his busted toilet of a spaceship isn’t powerful enough to do that. He’s not going anywhere near the moon. He may not even have to wear a goddamn spacesuit. A majestic overhead view of this crazy little marble we call home? A daring spacewalk to fix the cables on the detachable HAB unit? The breathtaking realization that you exist in a cosmos more expansive than the limits of death itself? Bezos isn’t getting any of that. YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ASTRONAUT, YOU FUCKING LOSER? Look at this flight plan. Fucking look at it!

Blue Origin

I’d get a better view of Earth from the top of the St. Louis Arch. At least when Felix Baumgartner went to Not Space, he had the common courtesy to skydive back down to the ground. Will Jeffrey Sissyfingers here have the IRON BALLS to do that? No. No he’s gonna sit in his fake rocket, listen to a dramatic fake countdown from fake mission control, and then crack open a Snapple before spending a glorious 12 seconds in fake space. SMALL STEPS FOR A SMALL MAN.

Oh sure, Bezos will get to experience zero gravity for those 12 seconds. You know who else got to do that? The cast and crew of Apollo 13 when they went up in the Vomit Comet to shoot that movie’s weightless scenes. And those people got PAID to feel like absolute shit for a brief moment. By contrast Bezos paid … OK well actually the government awarded his Blue Origin company (terrible name, would’ve been better if its name had been Morgan McLaunch-Johnsen) over half a billion dollars in contracts. AND YET THIS MOTHERFUCKER STILL WON’T BE IN SPACE LONGER THAN IT TAKES YOU TO SING “ZIGGY STARDUST” AT KARAOKE NIGHT.

Over the past few years, I have been consistently let down by our foremost supervillains. They’re greedy. They’ve warped their own principles to suit their needs. They’re hornier than Lindsey Adler’s dog. But all of their evilest plans are always such a fucking letdown. None of these guys have any pizzazz. No wonder we have to keep watching Joker movies to get the USDA recommended dose of gaudy villainy to help make up the difference. This is bullshit.

If I had $200 billion, as Bezos does, I wouldn’t half-ass my space travel. I would fly into REAL space, with all the deadly gamma rays and angry solar flares and whatnot. I would wear a real space suit, complete with a pissbag. I would travel in a spaceship powered by actual fuel and not compost. And then I’d land on the moon, plant a flag with family crest on it in the Sea of Tranquility, cry out I AM KING OF THE MOON, and then point at the Earth before me and laugh maniacally.

Then I’d blow up the Earth using my super-powerful moon beam. Then I’d bang all the moon aliens and then travel to the all-diamond planet and STEAL it. Then I’d buy Mars with my diamond planet. Then I drink Martian champagne with all my rowdy Martian buddies: Borx, %-Dawg, Vont The Horrifying, and Eric.

That’s what REAL space ballers would do, Jeff Bezos. You pathetic, earthbound hack. If Jeff Bezos ever tells you he went to space, spit on him and then cancel your Prime membership.