The first presidential debate is tonight, and many astute political observers and analysts have already started fantasizing about ways in which Joe Biden could totally own Donald Trump. Yes, it would be so sick and so tight if Biden challenged Trump to a push-up contest, or if he plunked $750 on Trump’s podium on account of that was how much Trump paid in income taxes as was recently in the news, or if he asked Trump if he has any shame, sir. I believe, however, that none of those ideas are quite epic enough, and so I have come up with a few of my own.
At the debate tonight, Joe Biden should do one or several of the following things:
- Prepare a four-course gourmet meal.
- Peel and eat an orange.
- Do that thing where you pretend that your thumb on one hand is the index finger on your other hand and then make it look like you have detached your index finger.
- Sing the other verses of the Star-Spangled Banner.
- Change the carburetor on a 1964 Corvette.
- Bring a gaming PC onto the stage and spend the evening playing Crusader Kings III.
- Unscrew an Oreo cookie and eat it.
- Put his entire fist in his mouth.
- Answer every question in fluent Italian.
- Produce Hunter Biden’s severed head.
Ummmm, sooooo yeah, I think we can all agree it would be insanely epic if Joe Biden did any of those things.