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This Is So Stupid

Let’s Rate The Dismal Beef Of Right-Wing Internet Psychos Trying To Own Imaginary Libs

A really frightening cut of meat.
Screenshot via Twitter

President Joe Biden announced on Thursday an ambitious pledge to reduce America’s carbon emissions below 2005 levels by 2030, with the goal of taking the country’s emissions all the way to zero by 2050. Before you either pump your fist in gratitude or start just burning huge barrels of diesel fuel in your backyard in order to thwart the libs for all time, consider the following: First, Biden’s “plan” is more of a trial balloon, as the announcement was utterly bereft of details; and second, under no circumstances will Joe Biden be around in 2050 to see whether your environmental counterattack successfully, ah, made our planet uninhabitable for all but microbial life. The thing to do when politicians make bold pronouncements without much by way of specifics is to nod your head and say “neat,” or chuckle derisively and say “sure,” and in either case move right along with your life.

Sadly, not everyone operates with this level of maturity. Readers of the Daily Mail, for example, were badly shaken when the newspaper filled in the blanks in Biden’s climate non-plan with dire-sounding and extremely made-up proposals of their own. What if he forces individuals to buy expensive electric cars? What if he raises middle-class taxes?? What if he limits you to “one burger a MONTH”??? What if—I’m just running with this—what if he forces you to walk naked into the woods and engage in passionate love-making with a slender young sassafras sapling? How can he do this???

It was the burger threat that attracted the attention of certain right-wing internet maniacs, who immediately engaged in a big public freak-out about the (again, completely imagined up by a sleazy tabloid) notion that Biden might restrict individuals to just four pounds of red meat per year. People are already stocking their freezers with surplus beef. Internet shit-for-brains Matt Couch took it to Twitter libs by sharing a photo of a huge steak he enjoyed for his Saturday night dinner. Nothing even resembling a restriction on red meat consumption has even been officially floated, but just to be safe, Couch and his followers are taking and sharing photos of big honkin’ slabs of beef they’ve cooked up for dinner, defying a limit that exists entirely in their imaginations.

Far be it from the staff of Defector to tell people how to spend their weekends. But we do have a certain fascination with deeply unflattering photos of the wildly unappetizing things online conservatives do to their own dinners in order to own the libs. In fact, when it comes to nightmare images of mishandled beef products, we even have our own proprietary rating metric: Bessie The Horrified Cow.

It’s a simple system: One Bessie The Horrified Cow indicates an unimpressive but relatively edible-seeming beef dinner, whereas three Bessie The Horrified Cows indicates a frightening lump of matter that should be scorched with a flamethrower and decontaminated from a distance before it is ever approached by humans.

We start with Couch’s dinner, a double-thick ribeye with a little tumble of bacon-wrapped asparagus, a caesar salad, and a Michelob Ultra:

This online weirdo's steak dinner receives one Bessie The Horrified Cow for looking edible but unimpressive.Credit: via Twitter

The steak itself doesn’t look too bad, perhaps a little dry and with an unimpressive crust. I’m troubled by the little pale stick on the nearside of the plate, and I can’t help but notice that the salad is like 80 percent crouton. If I ordered this in a restaurant I would glance disappointedly at my wife but I would still eat the steak. As a lib I do not feel too badly owned that Couch spent his hard-earned money on this beef. This meal gets one (1) Bessie The Horrified Cow.

We move now to the beef meal of internet user Dogmom2021, whose bio brags that her old Twitter account was followed by General Michael Flynn, and whose Twitter background is indeed a screenshot of the Twitter account of General Michael Flynn, with the little grey bar that says “Follows You.” Congratulations to Dogmom2021 for having once been followed on a website by a disgraced red-pilled lunatic and criminal. Now let us appraise her beef presentation, a tri-tip that Dogmom2021 is smoking.

This internet weirdo's tri-tip looks like it was barfed on by a labrador.Credit: via Twitter

Dogmom2021 is clearly in the early stages of this cooking project, which accounts for her so-called “tri-tip” looking unpleasantly grey-ish pink. Unfortunately I must point out to Dogmom2021 that a tri-tip gets its name from being triangular—it is supposed to have three tips—whereas this gnarly blob has zero tips. Also her tri-tip looks like it was yakked upon on by a sick Labrador retriever. If I showed up to Dogmom2021’s house for a weekend barbecue and she showed me this mess I would gag and retch noisily and excuse myself and go back home. This meal gets two (2) Bessie The Horrified Cows.

Now we must look at the beef dinner of internet user pjn316, a self-proclaimed “True Patriot” who experiences formatting difficulties when navigating the profile settings of social media accounts. This “2 A Advocate” failed to provide details of the cut or manner of cooking of his beef dinner, possibly because he found it moldering along the shoulder of a rural highway:

This internet loony is possibly cutting into a hunk of putrefied roadkill.Credit: via Twitter

I do not know what it is that pjn316 has cut into here, but I feel reasonably certain it is not fit to enter the mouth or digestive tract of a human. The innermost part of it appears to be bone dry and deep grey and more cooked than the outside, suggesting that this accursed lump was either cooked from the inside out or that it is in the end stages of putrefaction. Also why does it have a little finger? It appears to be coated in goo from the grease trap of an Applebee’s. Absolutely nothing could convince me to take a bite of this of my own free will, as I suspect that it may in fact be a face-hugger. If pjn316 attempted to serve this to me I would scream and run in any direction and quite simply never speak to him again. This “meal” gets three (3) Bessie The Horrified Cows.

I encourage you to scroll through the big angry beef replies in Couch’s big angry beef thread and enjoy the horrors within. These cranks and crackpots can’t even do their own dumb culture wars without humiliating themselves.