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We Would Love To Help The Houston Texans Find Their Next Head Coach

Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

Less than a year after hiring David Culley and strapping a time bomb to his chest, the Houston Texans are once again searching for someone to lead their football team. An organization led by Jack Easterby and Nick Caserio is always going to attack the hiring process with the sort of greasy zeal and outside-the-box thinking that only a sidewalk preacher and former Patriots front-office gremlin can provide. Which is why a surprising name has emerged (for the second year in a row) as a candidate for the job: Josh McCown.

You might think that Josh McCown, a career backup quarterback who has zero coaching experience at the pro or college level, would be an odd candidate for an NFL head coaching job, probably because of the bit from earlier in the sentence about how he has zero coaching experience at the pro or college level. But that is only because you have failed to consider how much Easterby would enjoy enlisting McCown to help lead the entire organization through its weekly Bible study/improv special. Didn’t think of that, did you?

Unfortunately for the Texans, it appears that there might be one big obstacle standing in the way of Easterby bringing a fresh new Bible buddy into the fold, and that is the fact that no other NFL teams seem to see McCown as a legitimate candidate, which would make hiring him something of a hit to what remains of the franchise’s reputation. Mike Florio at Pro Football Talk even went so far as to speculate that the Texans are desperate for any other team to invite McCown in for an interview, which would provide the man they dearly want to hire with Respected Football-Knower sheen that they know that hire should have.

Well, I have good news for the Houston Texans: Defector would be happy to interview Josh McCown and provide him with whatever credibility we can. No, we are not an NFL franchise, but we do understand late-game situations better than Mike McCarthy, which should count for something. We are also prepared to put McCown through the kind of rigorous interview process that only the most iron-willed leaders could possibly survive. You think it’s hard having to answer questions about how to incorporate the running game into modern offenses? Wait until this guy is sitting face to face with me and being forced to name his five favorite blogs of all time. Can he bear up to the pressure of the AFC South? If he can’t stand up to Albert Burneko and Patrick Redford forcing him to talk about whether space is scarier than the ocean or vice versa for a full hour, he probably isn’t! This is the kind of crucible that makes leaders, or breaks them, and in which not just victors but victory itself is forged. We’d be happy to do the interview over Zoom, too, if that’s easier.

We’re here to help you, Jack Easterby. So if you could just send us McCown’s phone number, and also buy a Defector subscription for every single person in the Texans’ organization—just as a show of good faith!—we’d be happy to get the ball rolling on this interview process.

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