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Life's Rich Pageant

Look At These Dorks

A crowd of dorks chants "stop the vote" in front of an election station in Detroit.
Screenshot: Twitter

Please direct your attention for the next 37 seconds at this “large, animated” crowd of true buttheads, cramming themselves into the convention center in downtown Detroit where mail-in and absentee ballots are being tallied Wednesday afternoon, in an effort to stop the count. These guys are some real dorks.

I’m not sure this deranged cluster of absolute dorks quite understands what they’re saying. Apparently an email went out to Michigan Republicans this afternoon commanding them to drop everything and head to this location in order to act as “poll challengers.” They seem to have understood that to mean that no further absentee ballots should be counted. I, too, would like for this count to be stopped, as my preferred candidate currently leads in the state of Michigan by some 60,000 votes. Is this the bipartisanship that’s been missing in American politics? Seems like it might be.

This much is certain: These are for sure the world’s biggest dorks. Note their derisive response to someone citing COVID-related restrictions on crowds, and how quickly they shift into tattling on someone behind the glass wall for not wearing a mask. Note the spaced-out googly eyes on the kid holding up the tablet in front of his face. Note especially the high-performance athlete wearing a headband, a couple rows back from the front. Did you see that guy? Look at this guy:

A crowd of maniacs crowds against the door at the Detroit convention center where Michigan absentee ballots are being counted.
Jason Kapono over here is ready to rain threes on these damn election officials!

I realize that it would be bad for democracy if a group of just the most helpless dorks you have ever seen stopped the counting of votes by storming the gates of an election headquarters. Still, it’s hard not to root for these tremendous goobers to get their wish. Michigan poll challengers, you have conquered this vote-counting operation, and as a result we have no choice but to declare Joe Biden the winner of Michigan’s 16 electoral votes.

Literally while they were clumped up inside there, giving the business to several security guards, CNN was projecting a Joe Biden win in Michigan. Good work, guys!