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Let The Black Monday Bloodbath Commence

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The NFL regular season ended in fine fashion Sunday, with drama, with heroics, with implosions, with a dramatic overtime Raiders victory that was somehow worse for not finishing in a tie. Perhaps you woke up Monday morning with a vague iron taste in your mouth, a red hue around the corners of your vision, and a sudden unquenchable thirst for blood. Black Monday is upon us. Let the carnage commence!

First up, we have the Vikings cleaning house:

Zimmer has been a dead man walking for weeks, but Spielman was a bit of a surprise, not just for fans but for the man himself. Ben Goessling of the Star-Tribune reported Monday morning that Spielman was “blindsided by the move” upon learning of his termination, which if you share my hunger for flesh today will only intensify your frenzy. Yes. Yes.

The NFC North was an early spectacle of gore:

Nagy was another mercy killing, but general manager Ryan Pace is the real prize. He’s been shitting things up with the Bears for eight years, and is responsible for hiring Nagy and for the composition of Chicago’s crappy roster. Bring to me his bones and slimy viscera and I will use it to festoon my office on this great day.

No one saw this next one coming:

Apparently Flores lost a power struggle with general manager Chris Grier, who the Dolphins have chosen to retain. A statement from Dolphins owner Stephen Ross said “key dynamics of our football organization weren’t functioning at the level I want it to be,” and other reports say Flores’s relationships with Grier and quarterback Tua Tagovailoa were in bad shape and beyond salvation. But the Dolphins went 9–8 this season, swept the Patriots, and finished with a stirring 33–24 home victory in their finale. Usually it is a mistake to fire a coach who is having success, but then again the Dolphins are a big old sloppy mess of an organization.

The eyes of a ravening nation now turn to New York, where ridiculous blowhard moron Joe Judge awaits his fate like a wounded wildebeest lost on the Serengeti. The Giants have had a breathtakingly shitty year and ended this miserable, humiliating season with a disgraceful forfeit of a loss at home Sunday afternoon, to the “clown show” Washington Football Team. General manager Dave Gettleman is toast, and it is in all cases a bad idea to saddle a new-hire general manager with his predecessor’s underperforming hand-picked coach. Bring me a bucket containing all the blood and giblets of Joe Judge, so that I may bathe in the rich warm ichor.

Black Monday is off to a brutal, spectacular start. This post will update as heads continue to roll!

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