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John Wall Wants The Wizards To Trade Him, Just As I Want The ESO’s Gigantic Quad-Laser To Vaporize My Corporeal Self

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - FEBRUARY 12: John Wall of the Washington Wizards sits on the bench in the first half against the New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden on February 12, 2020 in New York City. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
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Last week the Washington Wizards reportedly explored the possibility of trading John Wall to the Rockets for the disgruntled Russell Westbrook, who is apparently determined to engineer his way out of Houston. Those talks stalled, but in their aftermath Wall has reportedly made it known to the Wizards that he, too, now would prefer a change of scenery.

Wall has played 73 total games over the last three NBA seasons, including zero since December 26, 2018, as he’s recovered from a devastating Achilles tear. During his absence, the Wizards have re-centered themselves somewhat around the talents of Bradley Beal, who for most of his career has been second banana in an offense built to suit Wall’s ball-dominant style. Though the Wizards have kept that point guard spot prepped for Wall’s eventual return—Wall’s minutes have been filled by the likes of Ish Smith, Shabazz Napier, and the ghost of Isaiah Thomas—general manager Tommy Sheppard has made it clear that the work that went into orienting around Beal will not be undone simply to accommodate Wall’s return.

“When I say we’re building around [Beal], John’s been away for two years, it’d be unfair to say, ‘Hey this is John’s team.’ Bradley’s put in the work, he’s been available, John didn’t ask to be injured but the NBA marches on.”

Tommy Sheppard via The Kevin Sheehan Show

Wall was apparently surprised to hear this kind of talk from the Wizards, who after all are paying him a super-max salary. Some combination of this shift of priorities, the team’s exploratory talks with the Rockets, and a dumb public scolding Wall received for making gang signs in an internet video have soured Wall on continuing with the Wizards, and he apparently told the team Friday night to do whatever it has to to send him elsewhere.

You may scoff at a 30-year-old point guard coming off a catastrophic lower leg injury demanding to be traded while owed $131,544,000 over the next three seasons, in a league deep with capable lead guards and where just three total teams have any room at all under the salary cap.

I, on the other hand, am inspired by Wall’s willingness to look past these seemingly insurmountable challenges and demand a future that fulfills his wishes, which is why I am making it clear, here and now, that I want the European Southern Observatory to use the gigantic quad-laser at its Laser Guide Stars Facility (4LGSF) to utterly eradicate my physical self. I am aware of the impracticalities of this request, but I nevertheless feel that making this request known at this time is the best way of pursuing my goal of having my superheated molecules dispersed as a vapor into the warm night air.

Why the ESO 4LGSF quad-laser? For one thing, it is huge, and its four brilliant lasers are powerful enough to produce four artificial stars in the night sky, which scientists use to correct for atmospheric disturbance when mapping the cosmos. Unfortunately, as presently configured, the 4LGSF quad-laser would take 10 years to vaporize a cylinder of flesh roughly the width and depth of my chest. I view this as a mere logistical hurdle, roughly comparable to the challenge of trading an aging malcontent with a leg full of crabmeat and one of the two or three most expensive contracts in his sport, one month before the start of the regular season. Simply turn the various dials and work the various levers until the 4LGSF quad-laser has the blasting power of the Death Star, and then point it at my chest as I free fall from a passing airplane. I desire to be blasted into the afterlife in this manner, just as John Wall desires to be traded away from the Washington Wizards, and with roughly the same chances of success.