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Death To The NCAA

Fine, I Will Coach The University Of Texas Football Team

Image: Kelsey McKinney; Photo: Ron Jenkins/Getty Images

All week rumors about football head coaches have filled the news. Who will the Vikings hire? Will Jim Harbaugh leave Michigan? Will Urban Meyer return to college football? Where will LSU’s Ed Orgeron decide to settle down? Will Lincoln Riley survive or thrive at the dreaded USC? Will Brian Kelly continue to lose recruits he has danced with in viral videos for untold reasons? But no one is asking the very important question: When will the University of Texas call and appoint blogger Kelsey McKinney as Head Coach of the Football Team? This is the most important question, no, demand of this year’s coaching carousel. And I, out of the goodness of my heart and the obligation in my blood, will volunteer to save this team from the obscurity they seem to be racing toward.

Now, you may be wondering: is there a head coach opening at the University of Texas? No. There is not. The current head coach is Steve Sarkisian. He was signed to a bonkers contract a little over a year ago for six years and $34.2 million. That means he still has five years left on his contract, but does he really need to finish it? Does he? Haven’t we seen enough?

I spent every Saturday of my fall 2021 miserably watching a team that had somehow gotten even worse in the wake of Tom Herman’s departure. Sure, the broadcasters constantly reminded us that Sarkisian had coached at Alabama under Nick Saban, but they had to tell us that because it wasn’t clear on the fucking field! The team went a DREADFUL 5-7. That’s awful but, somehow, incredibly, it gets worse: THEY LOST FIVE GAMES IN A ROW. Just imagine if Clemson or Auburn or Georgia or—god forbid—Bama lost five straight games! Do you think a measly little contract signed in a fit of optimism and delusion would keep those schools from throwing a coach out after a seven loss season? No it would not!

Really, it’s barely even a loss to Texas. Tito’s Vodka recently “invested” $20 million in UT Athletics to help the school “remain highly competitive in the recruitment of elite student-athletes, coaches, and staff.” Sure, the press release says that “investment” is for basketball, rowing, and football. But Texas women’s basketball is currently ranked 13th. Men’s basketball is ranked 23rd, and rowing is ranked first in the region, so it’s pretty clear to me that this was some nice PR-speak to get rid of the *cough* loser *cough* at head coach! Also, have I mentioned I LOVE Tito’s Vodka! So smooth! So clear! I will wear whatever stupid visor they give me and pose next to Matthew McConaughey to keep this team from losing five straight football games!

A lot of people would argue that we need to give Sarkisian another season so that he can fully recruit a new class of football players and—ideally—make the team better. Respectfully, no thank you. College coaching is famously heavy on recruiting work. Currently, sports blog 247sports.com alleges Sarkisian pulled in the fifth-best recruiting class in the nation (much higher than last year’s ranking at 15th). This is some magical thinking. You want to know why Texas has the fifth best recruiting class? I can tell you. The reason Sarkisian got 28 players to commit to Texas is BECAUSE THE TEAM FUCKING SUCKS! Only two of them (two!) are five-star recruits. Texas A&M recruited seven: three more than Alabama.

Fortunately, I am here to provide answers to the mess Sarkisian has made. I am here to answer any questions you might have. Let’s do a few:

Kelsey, why do you want to be head coach?

Thank you so much for asking. I do not. I would much prefer my low-stakes job as a blogger, but I am willing to serve my university which clearly needs me. This is not about me. This is about the good of the program. This is about putting the fight back into Texas Fight.

Okay. That’s great and all but… what head coaching experience do you have?

There’s no need to be rude. I am a very quick learner and extremely organized. I am also very good at convincing people to quit their jobs, so I’m pretty sure I could recruit really good offensive and defensive coordinators fairly quickly. What I do not know, I will learn from YouTube videos and my very talented staff.

But… do you even know any plays?

Yes! I even know some that will actually work so we can score points! *BOOSH*

Like what?

Every good college coach needs a signature offense. I will run a signature spread offense called LIKE WILDFIRE.

Very good name.

Thank you so much.

OK, but you say Texas has not done good at getting 5-star players. How would you approach recruiting?

My fifteen watches of Friday Night Lights has amply prepared me for this. Unlike my predecessors, I will not trip in the open field. There is no reason that a player like Stetson Bennett IV (STETSON! BENNETT! THE FOURTH!!) should not be at Texas. Here is what I would do. I would simply find the next Joey Burrow and convince him to come to Texas. Also, I will win nine games. It will be much easier to recruit when the team isn’t complete trash.

How will the offense work?

Did Saban send you? Who do you work for? Have you considered that perhaps you could have a better job in football if your boss wasn’t always sending you to press conferences to harass other head coaches? You could probably put your skills and talents to better use somewhere else, like, I don’t know, the University of Texas! Haha. I’m just kidding. But here’s my card just in case.

Oh. That’s very nice. I’ll think about it. I do have kind of a rude question.

Go ahead.

What about the fact that you’re a woman. Will this be a problem? No women have been D-1 Football coaches.

If you come work for me, I am going to need you to do your research better, okay? I’m not trying to be mean. It’s just to help you. We have to win nine games this season. And we do that with discipline. It’s the only way.

To answer your question. Callie Brownson coached offense at Dartmouth. And Heather Marini coached quarterbacks at Brown.

Lol. Ivy League football isn’t real Division I football.

Damn, just like this program under Sarkisian, Herman, and Strong, am I right?

*high fives*

But really, let’s be serious. This has not been a competitive program since 2009. Tom Herman tried in 2018, but a team like Texas shouldn’t be winning 10 games. It should win 12. My teams will be HUNGRY. This team should eat TCU for a snack and devour Oklahoma for dinner. We will be crapping Big 12 championships out our backsides by the time I’m done. This should be a team that is competitive every single year, and under my watch, they will be. Did I mention we will win nine games this year? And if we don’t, you can fire me.

Wow, really?

Abso-fucking-lutely. I have zero doubt that under my reign, sorry, leadership, the Texas football team will thrive. Tears will come to Nick Saban’s eyes when he looks at our offensive line. He will squat down near the grass and talk quickly into his microphone. His bowels will tremble in fear because the University of Texas has risen from the ashes of mediocrity to once again to dominate college football.

So I just send an email to this address on the card?

Yes. Tryouts are next week. We have to get ready for spring games in April. So bring your A-game.

Yes, coach.

Thank you. God bless you, and may god bless Texas.