Wales upset Turkey today in Baku, Azerbaijan (?) thanks to a Gareth Bale masterclass and critical contributions on both ends of the pitch from right back Connor Roberts’s (in chronological order) dick, balls, and right foot.
Minutes after Bale sent a penalty to the sky gods, Turkey was on the move. Left back Umut Meras received the ball at the edge of the box, a great position from which to wind up, swing through, and deliver a 1,000 mph rocket not to the goal, but directly into the penile region of Roberts. The poor guy rolled around on the ground in agony as Meras asked the ref (presumably), “Isn’t that a handball?” and the ref was (presumably) like, “Dude, it’s not a pen when it hits the baby arm.”
Not to worry: Roberts recovered from the blow and went the distance for the victorious Wales side. At the very end of the game, Bale danced into the heart of the Turkish defense and teed up a beautiful assist for Roberts to seal the game and get himself a bit of glory after enduring the earlier harsh impact. Kiss the dragon my man, you earned it.