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NFL

You’re Not Out-Tanking The Jets, You Dipshits

(Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

In case you were in dire need of a warmup letdown, the NFL trade deadline is today. This is not like the NBA trade deadline, where basketbloggers put on their propeller beanies and eye-bang Woj’s Twitter feed and scream out HOLY SHIT THE KINGS JUST GOT FERGEN ENJIC! to no one in particular. With the exception of last year’s miniature daisy chain of stud cornerback trades, the NFL’s trade deadline tends pass as quickly and silently as a vodka fart. That’s gonna be especially true this season, despite the fact that multiple teams are reportedly DESPERATE to hold a fire sale. That includes the Vikings:

The WFT:

And even the Patriots:

All three of these teams are shitty and eager to clear salaries and wasted youth off the books. Bill Belichick, who usually opts for hostile silence over spewing horseshit, even told the press this week that his team “sold out” to win its Super Bowls and are destitute as a result. This is an amusing claim, given that the Pats’ apparent selling out process lasted two fucking DECADES and entailed bloodlessly cutting loose anyone, including Tom Brady in the end, whose potential future salary threatened to exceed their Kelley Blue Book value. But the 2021 NFL Draft QB class is loaded in ways that future classes probably won’t be, so you can understand why so many teams are eager to cut their losses and write off the entire 2020 season.

Unfortunately for those teams, it’s not exactly a seller’s market out there. The pandemic is wreaking invisible damage to professional sports that owners are all desperate to hide, but will only succeed in hiding for so long. Today’s trade deadline gives you the slightest hint that NFL owners aren’t going to be as casual with their purse strings as they were even back during free agency, when the season itself was in jeopardy. All of the expensive shitty teams are gonna stay shitty and expensive, and we’re gonna end up with some seriously top heavy standings at the end of the season. We’ll get to enjoy all of that with an expanded playoff field that could be expanded even further, no less. It’s gonna be fucking hideous.

Which brings us to the Jets. You teams trying to offload all of your unwanted merchandise… you’re not gonna find any suckers because YOU are the suckers. No one wants your garbage and, even if they did, you’re not getting the No. 1 pick. You know why? Because of these guys:

You’re not out-tanking the Jets. It’s not even worth trying. Did you know that Adam Gase is still coaching this team? Did you know that Gregg Williams is ALSO still here, and hasn’t yet been remanded to an NYPD black site for enhanced interrogation? Did you know this team is pulling a Carolina and letting Sam Darnold play through a shoulder injury that will almost certainly obliterate the scant remains of his career? What fucking chance do you have to out-tire fire these pieces of shit? I’ll tell you: NO CHANCE, THAT’S WHATCHA GOT. You guys are looking for actual returns on your unwanted players. The Jets just let Le’Veon Bell go for nothing! They let him walk—no wait, they let him linger at the line of scrimmage, and then find a hole out of the team facility to bolt through—to the Chiefs. Are YOU willing to be that idiotic? You are not.

So quit jacking off to those visions of Trevor Lawrence, or T-Law as I now call him, dancing around in your stale minds. You’re not getting him. The Jets are gonna go 0-16, secure the No. 1 pick, and win the right to watch in horror as T-Law’s rona case slowly dissolves his lungs, heart, and brain. And then Gase will blame Lawrence’s corpse for not grasping his offensive scheme. Yes, Gase will still be coaching the Jets by then. That’s because they are better at eating shit than any of you are, and they always will be. To think that you could beat them at their own game, it makes me laugh. Ha ha! HA HA, HA HA, HA HA, AND HAHAHA! What a bunch of sorry-ass winners you all are!