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Year In Review

What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

A member of the Ripoll Taberner family minces meat during the annual tradition of the pig slaughter (matanza de cerdo) in Llucmajor on the Spanish Balearic Island of Mallorca on November 23, 2020. - For the traditional slaughter, a pig is fattened up for a year and then killed on a cold day to ensure the best conservation of the "sobrasada" sausages. (Photo by JAIME REINA / AFP) (Photo by JAIME REINA/AFP via Getty Images)
Jaime Reina/AFP via Getty Images

New year, new you, same old self-imposed crotch punishment. Last week we caught up with the annual anal annals of what Americans got stuck in their butts; today we’re chronicling the year’s most painful—and mostly preventable—injuries to the penis and/or testicles.

All descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

  • 2 TOILET SEATS FELL ON PENIS
  • WAS “RUSHING” TO TOILET WHEN HE FELL ON HIS PENIS
  • HIT IN TESTICLES & PENIS WHILE PLAYING W/VACUUM CLEANER HOSE
  • PATIENT WAS TAKING A SHOWER AND HE DOES “NOT KNOW HOW” BUT A LOTION DISPENSER FELL ON TOP OF PENIS AND GOT STUCK
  • LACERATION TO PENIS WAS SHAVING WITH A KNIFE
  • PLAYING WITH HIS BB GUN HAD IT BETWEEN HIS LEGS WHEN IT DISCHARGED HITTING HIS PENIS PAINFUL CRYING
  • BIKE VS. MAILBOX ACCIDENT
  • CAUGHT PENIS WHILE ZIPPING TROUSERS W/SIGNIFICANT FORCE WHILE TALKING ON CELLPHONE
  • PUT BALL MAGNETS ON EACH SIDE OF HIS PENIS AND LEFT THEM THERE FOR ABOUT 2 HOURS
  • WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WHEN BAT BOUNCED OFF THE GROUND & HIT HIM IN RIGHT TESTICLE
  • VAPE PEN SUDDENLY EXPLODED IN POCKET AND PANTS CAUGHT FIRE AT DR OFFICE
  • WENT TO WATER PARK LAST WEEK AND HIT HIS PENIS ON SOME OF THE WATER SLIDES AT THE PARK
  • WAS INTOXICATED WRESTLING WITH A FRIEND STRUCK TESTICLE AGAINST A SCREW STICKING OUT OF A WALL
  • FELL ASLEEP ON THE TOILET FELL OVER PENIS CAUGHT ON THE LID OF THE TOILET
  • DIRECT BLOW BY SHOVEL AFTER TRUCK RAN OVER IT CAUSING IT TO SWING, DX: CONTUSION OF TESTICLE
  • HAVING ROUGH SEX AND HE PASSED OUT AND UPON AWAKENING HIS PENIS WAS GLUED TO HIS PANTS
  • WAS TRYING TO PUT A BB GUN IN HIS UNDERWEAR AND ACCIDENTALLY SHOT PENIS
  • ON A SCAVENGER HUNT HAD KEYS ON HIS BELT LOOP AND FELL THEY WENT INTO HIS PENIS
  • PLAYING CAPTURE THE FLAG, TRIED TO GRAB POLE BUT MISSED AND FELL ON FLAGPOLE. FIBERGLASS FLAGPOLE BROKE AND IMPALED SCROTUM AND PENIS
  • TURNED SHARPLY AND STRUCK PENIS ON TOILET TANK
  • WAS CLEANING A SURFACE WITH ALCOHOL AND SPILLED SOME OF THE ALCOHOL ON HIS PANTS AND THEN TRIED TO GLUE A PIECE OF PLASTIC USING FIRE WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT ON HIS PANTS CAUSING HIM TO CATCH FIRE, DX BURNS SCROTUM
  • SWUNG A PICK AXE AND STRUCK HIS LEFT TESTICLE WITH THE HANDLE
  • SLIPPED OFF A PARK BENCH AND LANDED ON A CORGI DOG, THE DOG WAS SCARED AND BIT HIM IN THE SCROTUM
  • PLAYING BASKETBALL 2 DAYS AGO AND WAS HANGING FROM A POLE THAT HAD A NAIL STICKING OUT. HE FELL FROM POLE AND INJURED SCROTUM ON THE NAIL.
  • MAKING MAC AND CHEESE POURING OUT THE HOT WATER MISSED THE SINK AND POURED IT DOWN THE FRONT OF GROIN
  • PATIENT WAS TRYING TO DO “THE WORM” AND RUBBED/ABRASED PENIS ON FLOOR TO ZIPPER; IMMEDIATE BLEEDING AND PENILE PAIN
  • WAS TAKING A SHOWER AND DID NOT HAVE ANY SOAP INSTEAD USING A HAND SANITIZER CLEANED PENIS WITH IT AND DEVELOPED SEVERE PAIN
  • DID NOT HAVE ANY BODY SOAP SO HE BATHED WITH LAUNDRY DETERGENT AND DEVELOPED A RASH TO PENIS
  • HIT IN TESTICLES MULTIPLE TIMES DURING JUJITSU PRACTICE
  • TIED OFF HIS SCROTUM WITH A CORD ONE WEEK AGO AND SINCE THEN HAD SCROTUM PAIN
  • PLAYING A GAME WITH AN ELECTRIC DRILL WITH HIS FRIENDS WHEN THE DRILL CAUGHT HIS JEANS IN THE GROIN AREA CUTTING PENIS
  • HAD A FLARE GUN IN HIS PANTS WHILE RIDING A BIKE AND THE GUN WENT OFF AND BURNED PENIS
  • WAS SCRAPING SOMETHING OFF A MIRROR AND PUT RAZOR BLADE IN MOUTH WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY FELL SWALLOWING RAZOR BLADE AND HITTING TESTICLE ON THE TOILET
  • THROWN BY BULL AT RODEO AND BULL STEPPED ON TESTICLE
  • IN THE SHOWER – GRABBED DRAIN CLEANER INSTEAD OF SHAMPOO (SAW THE WORDS – HAIR AND GREASE REMOVER AND THOUGHT IT WAS SHAMPOO). SPILLED SOME AND GOT ON HIS SCROTUM AND IT STARTED BURNING
  • PULLING ROPE IN TUG OF WAR WHEN THE OTHER CHILD LET GO, CAUSING THE ROPE TO FLY & STRIKE PT IN THE GROIN
  • DRY HUMPING PERSON OVER TOP OF CLOTHES. PENILE LACERATION.
  • HIT ERECT PENIS INTO A DOOR WHILE HAVING INTERCOURSE
  • WAS LYING ON FLOOR WITH ERECT PENIS WHEN SIBLING JUMPED ON HIS BACK
  • CARVED A PLASTIC “DOG BONE” WHILE IN PRISON & INSERTED THIS UNDER THE SUBCUTANEOUS TISSUES OF THE FORESKIN OF PENIS. PATIENT WOULD LIKE IT REMOVED.
  • REPORTS HIS CONDOM KEPT FALLING OFF SO HE USED A PIECE OF TAPE TO SECURE IT, WHILE REMOVING THE TAPE LAST NIGHT HE SUSTAINED AN ABRASION TO PENIS
  • HIT IN TESTICLE WITH AIRSOFT GUN PELLET TWICE
  • WAS IN THE RESTROOM AND WAS PLAYING WITH THE SPRING TOILET PAPER HOLDER WHEN HE SOMEHOW LACERATED HIS PENIS
  • DEVELOPED TESTICLE PAIN WHILE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES
  • FELL OFF BED TODAY & LANDED ON CONTROLLER FOR VIDEO GAME. DX: PENIS CONTUSION
  • WAS AT GF’S WATCHING COMEDY CENTRAL AND LAUGHING AND THE DOG GOT A LITTLE EXCITED AND JUMPED UP AND BIT HIM ON THE PENIS