New year, new you, same old self-imposed crotch punishment. Last week we caught up with the annual anal annals of what Americans got stuck in their butts; today we're chronicling the year's most painful—and mostly preventable—injuries to the penis and/or testicles.
All descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:
- 2 TOILET SEATS FELL ON PENIS
- WAS "RUSHING" TO TOILET WHEN HE FELL ON HIS PENIS
- HIT IN TESTICLES & PENIS WHILE PLAYING W/VACUUM CLEANER HOSE
- PATIENT WAS TAKING A SHOWER AND HE DOES "NOT KNOW HOW" BUT A LOTION DISPENSER FELL ON TOP OF PENIS AND GOT STUCK
- LACERATION TO PENIS WAS SHAVING WITH A KNIFE
- PLAYING WITH HIS BB GUN HAD IT BETWEEN HIS LEGS WHEN IT DISCHARGED HITTING HIS PENIS PAINFUL CRYING
- BIKE VS. MAILBOX ACCIDENT
- CAUGHT PENIS WHILE ZIPPING TROUSERS W/SIGNIFICANT FORCE WHILE TALKING ON CELLPHONE
- PUT BALL MAGNETS ON EACH SIDE OF HIS PENIS AND LEFT THEM THERE FOR ABOUT 2 HOURS
- WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WHEN BAT BOUNCED OFF THE GROUND & HIT HIM IN RIGHT TESTICLE
- VAPE PEN SUDDENLY EXPLODED IN POCKET AND PANTS CAUGHT FIRE AT DR OFFICE
- WENT TO WATER PARK LAST WEEK AND HIT HIS PENIS ON SOME OF THE WATER SLIDES AT THE PARK
- WAS INTOXICATED WRESTLING WITH A FRIEND STRUCK TESTICLE AGAINST A SCREW STICKING OUT OF A WALL
- FELL ASLEEP ON THE TOILET FELL OVER PENIS CAUGHT ON THE LID OF THE TOILET
- DIRECT BLOW BY SHOVEL AFTER TRUCK RAN OVER IT CAUSING IT TO SWING, DX: CONTUSION OF TESTICLE
- HAVING ROUGH SEX AND HE PASSED OUT AND UPON AWAKENING HIS PENIS WAS GLUED TO HIS PANTS
- WAS TRYING TO PUT A BB GUN IN HIS UNDERWEAR AND ACCIDENTALLY SHOT PENIS
- ON A SCAVENGER HUNT HAD KEYS ON HIS BELT LOOP AND FELL THEY WENT INTO HIS PENIS
- PLAYING CAPTURE THE FLAG, TRIED TO GRAB POLE BUT MISSED AND FELL ON FLAGPOLE. FIBERGLASS FLAGPOLE BROKE AND IMPALED SCROTUM AND PENIS
- TURNED SHARPLY AND STRUCK PENIS ON TOILET TANK
- WAS CLEANING A SURFACE WITH ALCOHOL AND SPILLED SOME OF THE ALCOHOL ON HIS PANTS AND THEN TRIED TO GLUE A PIECE OF PLASTIC USING FIRE WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT ON HIS PANTS CAUSING HIM TO CATCH FIRE, DX BURNS SCROTUM
- SWUNG A PICK AXE AND STRUCK HIS LEFT TESTICLE WITH THE HANDLE
- SLIPPED OFF A PARK BENCH AND LANDED ON A CORGI DOG, THE DOG WAS SCARED AND BIT HIM IN THE SCROTUM
- PLAYING BASKETBALL 2 DAYS AGO AND WAS HANGING FROM A POLE THAT HAD A NAIL STICKING OUT. HE FELL FROM POLE AND INJURED SCROTUM ON THE NAIL.
- MAKING MAC AND CHEESE POURING OUT THE HOT WATER MISSED THE SINK AND POURED IT DOWN THE FRONT OF GROIN
- PATIENT WAS TRYING TO DO "THE WORM" AND RUBBED/ABRASED PENIS ON FLOOR TO ZIPPER; IMMEDIATE BLEEDING AND PENILE PAIN
- WAS TAKING A SHOWER AND DID NOT HAVE ANY SOAP INSTEAD USING A HAND SANITIZER CLEANED PENIS WITH IT AND DEVELOPED SEVERE PAIN
- DID NOT HAVE ANY BODY SOAP SO HE BATHED WITH LAUNDRY DETERGENT AND DEVELOPED A RASH TO PENIS
- HIT IN TESTICLES MULTIPLE TIMES DURING JUJITSU PRACTICE
- TIED OFF HIS SCROTUM WITH A CORD ONE WEEK AGO AND SINCE THEN HAD SCROTUM PAIN
- PLAYING A GAME WITH AN ELECTRIC DRILL WITH HIS FRIENDS WHEN THE DRILL CAUGHT HIS JEANS IN THE GROIN AREA CUTTING PENIS
- HAD A FLARE GUN IN HIS PANTS WHILE RIDING A BIKE AND THE GUN WENT OFF AND BURNED PENIS
- WAS SCRAPING SOMETHING OFF A MIRROR AND PUT RAZOR BLADE IN MOUTH WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY FELL SWALLOWING RAZOR BLADE AND HITTING TESTICLE ON THE TOILET
- THROWN BY BULL AT RODEO AND BULL STEPPED ON TESTICLE
- IN THE SHOWER - GRABBED DRAIN CLEANER INSTEAD OF SHAMPOO (SAW THE WORDS - HAIR AND GREASE REMOVER AND THOUGHT IT WAS SHAMPOO). SPILLED SOME AND GOT ON HIS SCROTUM AND IT STARTED BURNING
- PULLING ROPE IN TUG OF WAR WHEN THE OTHER CHILD LET GO, CAUSING THE ROPE TO FLY & STRIKE PT IN THE GROIN
- DRY HUMPING PERSON OVER TOP OF CLOTHES. PENILE LACERATION.
- HIT ERECT PENIS INTO A DOOR WHILE HAVING INTERCOURSE
- WAS LYING ON FLOOR WITH ERECT PENIS WHEN SIBLING JUMPED ON HIS BACK
- CARVED A PLASTIC "DOG BONE" WHILE IN PRISON & INSERTED THIS UNDER THE SUBCUTANEOUS TISSUES OF THE FORESKIN OF PENIS. PATIENT WOULD LIKE IT REMOVED.
- REPORTS HIS CONDOM KEPT FALLING OFF SO HE USED A PIECE OF TAPE TO SECURE IT, WHILE REMOVING THE TAPE LAST NIGHT HE SUSTAINED AN ABRASION TO PENIS
- HIT IN TESTICLE WITH AIRSOFT GUN PELLET TWICE
- WAS IN THE RESTROOM AND WAS PLAYING WITH THE SPRING TOILET PAPER HOLDER WHEN HE SOMEHOW LACERATED HIS PENIS
- DEVELOPED TESTICLE PAIN WHILE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES
- FELL OFF BED TODAY & LANDED ON CONTROLLER FOR VIDEO GAME. DX: PENIS CONTUSION
- WAS AT GF'S WATCHING COMEDY CENTRAL AND LAUGHING AND THE DOG GOT A LITTLE EXCITED AND JUMPED UP AND BIT HIM ON THE PENIS
