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College Football

Throw Mayonnaise On The Coach

The scene of the crime.
Screenshot: ESPN

I’m a simple man. I do not ask for much, but I must draw a line somewhere: If a bowl game is going to be sponsored by a mayonnaise brand, and that mayonnaise brand’s money gets its logo splattered all over sweaters, facemasks, the field itself, and even a damn sports drink bucket on the sidelines, and the players of the winning team go so far as to dump the celebratory victory liquid onto their coach from the logo-splattered drink bucket, the bucket must be filled with mayonnaise.

What happened today was a crime against common sense. Wisconsin beat Wake Forest, 42-28, and as the Demon Deacons bled the clock dry with an agonizing, futile drive, a pair of Wisconsin players readied the payload. The ESPN broadcast crew wondered, with glee, what the contents of the bucket were. The brand got oodles of exposure. Wake Forest took forever, until finally, the payoff: fucking water.

GIF via ESPN

We used to make shit in this country.

Shortly after the victory, the Badgers broke their actual trophy in the locker room.

This is what happens when you disrespect a tradition that doesn’t actually exist, but should. Mayo curse.