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MLB

The Houston Astros Are Now Free To Fuck Off

Houston Astros players sit in the dugout during Game 7 of the ALCS.
Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Although the Houston Astros were two games under .500 as they slunk into the 2020 postseason, they were the most dubious example of an underdog in recent memory. Still, they tried to act as scrappy as a 29-31 regular-season record would suggest, all the way up until the Tampa Bay Rays eliminated them Saturday night in Game 7 of the ALCS. Get the fuck out of here, you clowns!

The Astros were never really remorseful for their sign-stealing scandal, which saw their GM Jeff Luhnow and manager A.J. Hinch fired and banned from baseball for a year. They weren’t this past February, the month after MLB handed down its punishment. After that theatrical apology session flopped, new manager Dusty Baker openly pleaded for MLB to discourage every other pitcher from peppering Houston’s batters with fastballs as a method of retribution. In the delayed and truncated season, the Astros continued to show no remorse. Instead, they converted the overwhelming hatred toward their trash-can banging scheme into motivation, a perversion of bulletin-board material given that the material being tacked onto the bulletin board was, “You cheated and aren’t even sorry about it.”

Just look at this bullshit from when Houston played the Oakland A’s in the ALDS:

“I love it,” Astros right fielder Josh Reddick said. “It’s all about silencing the haters, and that’s what this year is all about.”

To reframe the criticism of the Astros as coming from “haters” is delusional. It is impressive that a team which lost Gerrit Cole to free agency and Justin Verlander and Yordan Alvarez to injury could make it all the way back to the ALCS, but that is inspiring in a vacuum. Part of the adversity they overcame was discipline for cheating, and in reality, they were extremely irritating. But hey, they wanted to be the heels, and all heels are humbled eventually. It is now the Astros’ turn to stay mad.

What are they going to say now, Carlos? Here’s one possibility: Fuck off!

This walk-off homer means nothing now. Fuck off!

You gagged in Game 7, Lance. Fuck off!

Yeah right, buddy. Fuck off again!

This feels great, honestly. I don’t even care who wins the World Series.