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Politics

Thank God I Stopped Gnawing On An Extension Cord Long Enough To Enjoy This Inspiring Message From Our President

Donald Trump
Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images

I’ll be honest, the last few days have been stressful. When I heard that our president had been diagnosed with COVID-19, I was worried. So worried, in fact, that I was only able to swallow two paper clips at work on Friday, even though that’s my favorite way to kill time on the job.

Things didn’t get any less stressful over the weekend. I woke up very early on Saturday, which is not like me. Usually I can sleep until the early afternoon—the pile of old golf clubs jammed into a burlap sack that I sleep on is just that comfortable. I decided to try and make the best of it, though, and got started on my weekend plans early. The only thing I had on my agenda for Saturday was eating an entire bag of Big League Chew in one sitting, so I did that, but the chew just didn’t taste right. I was so worried about Mr. Donald Trump!

Sunday was also a wash. I don’t know how many times you’ve tried to throw rocks at the prairie dogs that live by the highway while operating on little sleep and an empty stomach, but I can tell you it ain’t easy! It was such a shame, because dog-rocking is my favorite leisure activity. The problem was that I just couldn’t stop thinking about how sick Donald President Trump must have been feeling!

I wasn’t feeling any better on Monday morning, so I called in sick to work and did what I always do when I’m really down in the dumps: I planted myself on the couch and started munching on the 95-foot extension cord that runs the length of my apartment and plugs my air conditioner into my refrigerator (I’m a bit of a tech nerd). At around 7:00 p.m. I finally got up to use the bathroom, and while I was in there I decided to check the phone that I keep taped to the wall above the toilet. Thank God I did that, because that’s how I saw this wonderful message from Commander Don Trump:

Everything in this message was a balm to my soul. I now understand that the key to defeating COVID-19 is not being dominated by it. The solution is so obvious that I am a little embarrassed I never thought of it before.

Honestly, what was I ever worried about? I can’t believe I ever spent a second of my life fretting about this virus when, as Mr. Trump so helpfully explained:

  1. We’re gonna beat it.
  2. We have the best medical equipment.
  3. We have the best medicines.
  4. We have the greatest country in the world.
  5. They’re all getting approved.
  6. The vaccines are coming momentarily.

And Donald Trump may be immune to the virus! The news simply could not be any better.

I have a feeling things are finally going to get back to normal for me today. I slept great, and the bag of instant mashed potatoes that I ate in the shower this morning tasted even better than usual.