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Steve Belichick’s Mouth Must Be Studied And Then Banned

There’s a scene in Scarface where Tony Montana’s good friend and consigliere, Manolo Ribera, demonstrates for Tony a crude tongue trick, while the two are seated together near an outdoor bar in Miami. Tony is so revolted by what he sees that in a moment of rare vulnerability he actually swipes at Manny’s flickering tongue, as if to crush an invading insect. “Ew, look at that fucking thing!”

That’s exactly the feeling I have after seeing the contortions of the too-active mouth of Patriots outside linebackers coach Steve Belichick, on display during Sunday’s marquee matchup with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This is a deeply troubling mouth.

Steve Belichick is the grandson of the late football scout Steve Belichick, which must mean that he is also the son of Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. Steve’s been in the coaching pipeline under his dad’s stewardship since 2015, which means he’s had plenty of opportunities to evolve his personal brand. Steve is a man of many looks, all of which seem to derive from a late-20th-century pop-rock aesthetic, from Darkest Timeline Kenny Loggins to Central Ohio’s Premier Limp Bizkit Cover Band, and several points in between:

While Steve’s mullet certainly fires the imagination, it’s that narrow, hyperkinetic mouth that will upset my dreams for months to come. From now on, please fill up his lower face with novocaine before sending him out in front of television cameras.