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This Is So Stupid

Skip Bayless Must Barf

Screenshot: Fox Sports

Skip Bayless is really mad that Dillon Brooks was ejected from Game 2 of Warriors-Grizzlies, after he committed a flagrant foul that resulted in Gary Payton II breaking his elbow. There’s no use pretending to know why he feels this way, or trying to figure out if that feeling is in fact genuine, because what Fox Sports 1’s premier yeller actually thinks and feels has never been as important as which thoughts and feelings he performs. It’s that dedication to performance that leads to incredible declarations, like this one from this morning:

Well, Skip, bad news:

This is it, pal. You have to barf on TV now.

To be clear, you don’t have to barf on TV because it’s imperative that you “be a man of your word” or whatever. Everything you say in public is for the sake of showmanship. But that’s also precisely the reason why you need to barf on TV. Show us how good of a showman you are, Skip.

I watched your rant about Brooks from Wednesday’s episode of Undisputed, and I was a little disappointed, to be frank. Adding a quiver to your voice, in the style of Jordan Peterson, shows that you’re still attempting to innovate and draw inspiration from other greats in the field of becoming upset. But it’s not enough. It’s long past time for you to take your act in a new direction. This is why I perked up at your promise from this morning: “If Dillon Brooks gets suspended today, I am going to throw up.” Yes! Now that is something I’ve never seen on a sports debate show.

Imagine the stir you could cause. Tomorrow morning, your show will be watched by many gym-goers and guys who overuse GIFs from The Office. None of them will expect to see a man honk up a double helping of chicken and broccoli on the air. But what if they did? What if they watched a man so incensed over the punishment for a flagrant foul that he painted his desk green? What would they think as your cohost Shannon Sharpe, with little choice but to sit there and watch you barf it up, attempted to protect his show notes and expensive suit from the former contents of your stomach, sluicing toward him? What words would come to you as you stared blankly into the camera, sick still dribbling out of your mouth?

I can’t answer these questions. The only person who can do that is you, Skip. It all depends on how badly you actually want to be remembered.