It’s been 17 months since ESPN fired Paul Pierce for jumping on Instagram Live to show the world the devastating nature of his home life. It’s been a little over a year since he slipped even further into the clutches of the grim men’s lifestyle. So it was only fitting that he celebrate another trip around the sun with a grim men’s cake.
This is the most unpleasant image to ever appear on a birthday cake. The flavor isn’t chocolate or red velvet, but Atlantic City casino floor. The frosting is infused with stale hookah smoke. David Lynch has spent his entire career trying to compose a single frame as heart-stopping as a sodden and swollen Paul Pierce posing in front of a stripper laying a few feet away from an office chair on a living-room floor, and he has not succeeded. It would be less depressing to look at photos of a crime scene.
Happy birthday to Paul, 45, the same age as Tom Brady; it’s debatable as to which one currently has a steadier handle on his public life. Hopefully everyone who attended the bash had a nice time and avoided the cake. It’s never a good idea to eat something trapping a tortured soul.