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Life's Rich Pageant

Paul Pierce Does Not Regret Grim Men’s Evening, Embraces Grim Men’s Lifestyle

Screenshot via Instagram

The last time we heard from NBA legend Paul Pierce, he was giving us all a peek into his personal life, which at the time featured a cavernous home full of strippers, office chairs, poker chips, and fellas. That little stunt got him canned from his job at ESPN, which he didn’t seem too broken up about at the time. According to a new profile of Pierce published by Sports Illustrated, he’s still not bothered about losing his TV gig, and in fact has no regrets about the circumstances under which he lost it.

Maybe you would have regrets about getting stupendously drunk one night and then hopping on Instagram Live so that thousands of people could watch you paw at your own glassy eyes while forcing various ladies and dudes into desultory interactions with you, but that is only because you are not as committed to living life in the grimmest possible terms. You, my friend, are not grimpilled.

Pierce’s longtime agent, Jeff Schwartz, suggested Pierce apologize anyway. Schwartz worried that the video might influence Hall voters. Pierce didn’t. “Come on, I didn’t do anything illegal,” says Pierce. “These motherf*****s in the Hall of Fame, some did [cocaine], f***ing battery. What the f*** did I do? I was just having a good time. All the people coming after me, half you motherf*****s do the same s***. You’re just hiding it. And you all are married while you’re doing it. I’m divorced. I’m retired. I’m having fun.” And if Hall voters had held it against him? “Listen,” says Pierce, “if I didn’t make it with this class, it would be the biggest stiff job in Hall of Fame history.”

Sports Illustrated

There is a method of self-actualization that is only available to a certain class of American men, and it’s a process that can only be completed by those willing to speak the holy words aloud. I’m divorced. I’m retired. I’m having fun. Pierce completed this ritual, and now his grim men’s evening has become infinite:

Let this be a lesson to all those who don’t want to end up spending their lives sexually harassing waitresses while cackling to nobody in particular: Once the grim men’s lifestyle begins, there is no escaping it.

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