Skip to contents
This Is So Stupid

Only I Know Why Chris Palmer Thought It A Good Idea To Tweet That Vanessa Bryant Doesn’t Know This Stupid Factoid About Her Dead Husband, And I’ll Never Tell

Kobe Bryant (L) and Michael Jordan (R)
Kobe Bryant (L) reveals to me (R) the secret reason why, years later, he will tell Chris Palmer to tell me—and no one else—why he thinks it's a good idea to tweet that Vanessa Bryant doesn't know a stupid factoid about her husband, Kobe Bryant (L), who will be dead by then
Vince Laforet/Getty Images

Chris Palmer, an NBA-orbiting weird guy who maybe used to be a scoopster (?) or blogger (??) but now just kind of pops up on Twitter once a year with a floridly insane take, tweeted the following, earlier today:

Chris Palmer claiming only he knows why Kobe Bryant changed jersey numbers from 8 to 24 after the 2004-05 NBA seaasonCredit: Twitter
Chris Palmer reiterating that only he, and not Kobe Bryant's widow or longtime agent, knows why Bryant changed jersey numbersCredit: Twitter

There are lots of theories for why Chris Palmer thought it was a good idea to boast, unprompted, to an audience of strangers on Twitter, on a random Friday afternoon, that he alone knows at least one frankly not interesting factoid about the late Kobe Bryant that Bryant allegedly withheld from his own wife and his longtime agent. Such as “Because he is a nutbar who says crazy shit for attention,” and “Because apparently he never thought to raise an eyebrow somewhere between ‘Kobe Bryant would put misleading stories in the media’ and ‘Kobe Bryant told me, literally a media member, that I alone—and not his wife or longtime agent—would know the true reason why he switched jersey numbers,'” and “Sir, I just asked you if you know why I pulled you over.”

But I, and I alone, know the truth. Chris Palmer told me why he thought this was a good idea. He also told me that he would not tell anyone else but me, ever, and that any explanations he offered to anyone else would be misleading by intent. Including these ones!

Credit: Twitter
I alone know that this is false, and why.
Chris Palmer claiming that Kobe Bryant "always took care" of him, presumably as an explanation for his earlier insane boastCredit: Twitter
How can I know this? Because of my unique bond with Chris Palmer, which he told me he would deny if anybody ever asked him about it.

Palmer further informed me that he might say—maybe even vociferously!—that I am lying about this, but that he will not mean it, no matter how worked up he seems to get about it. He further certified that anything else I might say about him, at any future date, will be true. And he told me that I could reveal all of this, so long as I never shared the first thing, the reason why he thought it was a good idea to make the unprompted announcement that he alone knows why Kobe Bryant changed jersey numbers after the 2004–05 season and will never reveal it for as long as he lives. And I will never reveal it, for as long as I live. I’m the only person who knows. You will never find out why.

Hmm, you might be thinking. That seems unlikely to me. In fact that seems like a rather obvious and shabby skein of bald-faced lies draped over nothing at all. I can scarcely believe you even intend anyone to believe it. Well, it just so happens that you earlier told me, and me alone, that you do not actually think that, and will not think it, and revealed to me the secret reason why you do not and will not think it. I’ll never reveal it, for as long as I live. You can trust me on that.