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One Fan In This Conversation Is Much More Thrilled About It Than The Other

The fan launching into his sermon.
Screenshot: Bally Sports Wisconsin

During Wednesday night’s Brewers-Cardinals game, TV cameras focused in on a Brewers fan having a very enthusiastic conversation with a Cardinals fan sitting next to him. She was not matching his enthusiasm. Bally Sports Wisconsin broadcasters Brian Anderson and Bill Schroeder saw this and rose to the occasion. Mr. Cool Shades Guy was given no mercy by his hometown broadcast crew.

The Brewers’ TV booth interpreted the man’s gestures as a treatise on his high school baseball exploits, which is a fine and probably accurate reading of the conversation, but here’s how I imagined it:

It’s called the Stafford Gambit, right? Real trappy strategy, for bold players only, haha. So check this shit out: He plays e4, you match with your king’s pawn, then you match his knight, which gives him the chance to take a pawn for free. Crazy, right? Maybe you should take his e4 pawn to even the score? Nah babe, this shit works for me, you just gotta be brave. Offer a knight trade, and if he’s dumb enough to accept, I play the Stafford Gambit. No center pawns is a big-time baller move, but it gets even crazier.

So he develops the bishop on g5, pinning my queen, but like I said, I’m doing a bad-boy gambit—Stafford Gambit, watch some vids—so I yeet my knight forward and take his center pawn. He can’t pass up the opportunity to nab the queen, but he’s already taken the bait, he’s not ready for what comes next. BOOM: I take the f2 pawn with my dark square bishop, check. He has only one move, then BOOM: light square bishop to g4. Checkmate, asshole! Stafford Gambit.

If he pushes his king’s pawn forward instead of opening up an attacking lane for his bishop, it’s no problem. I handle it easy. That’s why I love the Stafford Gambit; it’s, like, so complicated. Move the knight forward, sacrifice it, gain tempo, put his king in check with the dark square bishop … BOOM. Take his queen. You can run all kinds of these little traps. You can get his rook, you can get his bishop. All you have to do is be brave and offer the free pawn, and you can win so much. It’s so cool that you can win games by doing what looks like dumb shit, you know? There are seriously so many ways. I run this shit all day. I’m on chess.com, lichess … you name it. Nobody sees it coming. Chess is kinda cool like that—like, you have to sacrifice shit to get shit, kinda like life, you know? Haha. Anyway, so you’re a Cardinals fan?