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NBA

Oh No, Zion, Why Did You Do This?

Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

The Knicks beat the Pelicans in overtime yesterday, 122-112, earning a sixth consecutive win and improving their season record to a mighty respectable 31-27. These are strange times in New York! The Knicks are a good, competent team and for once the attention of the fanbase is not sweatily trained on some distant, coke-dream future in which a superstar player arrives to Save New York Basketball or whatever. For once, all Knicks fans can simply enjoy their pretty good team and be at peace—oh, god, no what’s happening …

This is almost too on-the-nose to be interpreted as anything other than Zion purposefully trying to drive Knicks fans mad. Every Knicks fan in the world is basically an inactive sleeper agent right now, and upon hearing the words “The Mecca of Basketball,” and “This might be my favorite place to play,” they lose control of their own minds and start raving about a championship that is right around the corner.

If you must be outside in New York today, please keep an eye out for Knicks fans acting strangely. If you overhear any muttering the words “Zion” and “2023,” immediately relocate to a safe zone. If you happen across two Knicks fans who are explaining to each other that it would be best to trade Julius Randle right now in order to clear the cap room to sign Zion, who will then convince Luka Doncic to come to New York, you need to call 911 immediately.