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NFL

Jacksonville Jaguars: No One Is Allowed To Apologize For Sucking Shit Except Us

Some Jaguars guy asks the crowd for more noise.
Sam Greenwood/Getty Images

The Jacksonville Jaguars are puke. They’ve been outscored by nearly four touchdowns in their first two games of the season, both losses. They show no signs of becoming anything better than pure crud anytime in the foreseeable future. But at least they are very sorry about it.

Rest assured, Jaguars fans: No one will work harder than the Jaguars (and, uh, the 904 area code) to turn the Jaguars’ season around. In case you were worried that, like … the Seattle Seahawks were going to take the lead on that effort. The Jacksonville Jaguars are committed to leading the NFL in abashment. Adjusted remorse. Total chagrin per attempt (TCPA).

Or are they?

That’s the Atlanta Falcons—likewise 0-2, outscored by a gruesome 49 points so far—making a late break for the top of the TCPA leaderboard with a message perhaps suspiciously similar in formatting to the Jaguars’ a day earlier. Falcons fans, head coach Arthur Smith wants you to know that 1) he and the other Falcons are aware that 0-2 is bad; and 2) that the season is only a little less than one-eighth complete; and 3) “We have to put ourselves in a spot to go win a football game,” which I can only assume means something to someone somewhere, as like a code or something, contrary to its manifest meaninglessness as a series of words.

This is what happens when you claim the mountaintop, competitively (in the field of contrite public turd-munching): Now everybody else comes to knock you off. If you want to remain there (at the forefront of mewling, “Please continue enriching our operation even though we suck mondo ass at our jobs” at football fans), you have to defend it! Do you think this is a game, Atlanta Falcons??? Did you think the Jacksonville damn Jaguars were going to just roll over and let anybody take what they have fought and bled for???? These are the Jacksonville fucking Jaguars, and they will die for this hill. They will kill for this hill.

This is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever seen.