America’s gassy dads and bigot-curious uncles have spent days working themselves into an unhealthy froth in the wake of Major League Baseball’s decision to move the All-Star game out of Atlanta because of Georgia’s restrictive new voting laws.
That alone would have been enough to ignite outrage and at least several rallies where aggrieved patriots replay Twins-Brewers games without the express consent of the MLB, but the stakes were raised after corporations began Voicing Their Opposition to the new law, because making voting more difficult is inherently an evil thing.
Could things get predictably dumber? Yes, yes they can. Someone let the former president get access to a fax machine to send a timely holiday weekend message to the masses, decrying MLB, Delta Airlines and Coca-Cola before closing on a note of harmony, “We will not become a Socialist Nation. Happy Easter!”
It’s standard procedure now for upset conservatives to start yelling about how they plan to change their diet whenever some corporation upsets the natural order of things. As far as fad diets go, it is a choice. This all brings us to this note from the kitchen of former New York City Police Commissioner and professional tapeworm, Bernard Kerik:
So the former head of one of the largest police agencies in the world, who flew too close to the sun and got convicted on federal tax fraud charges, plans to change his go-to drink until Woke Coke stops … supporting fair and open elections? Still, this begs the question, how do you really navigate the spiraling affects of cancel culture when trying to quench your thirst?
Luckily for Bernie and all the other second-wave tea party patriots, Pepsi doesn’t go around sticking its corporate interest into the struggle to break America’s racist institutions. Oh. Well, shit. I guess it’s nothing but iced tea. Besides, it’s not like anyone has used this classic refreshing drink as a tool to fight racism?
OK then. Maybe they should consider milk? There’s nothing wrong with a bunch of parched and disaffected white men satisfying their thirst with cow juice, right?