Skip to contents
This Is So Stupid

I’m Sorry For Always Turning My Zoom Camera Off, It’s Just That Live Rats Are A Messy Meal

This morning, Axios reported on a new survey from Vyopta (some software company). The survey found that 92 percent of executives at medium to large firms think workers who turn their cameras off during meetings don’t have long-term futures at the company. This is a big problem for me, because I always have my camera off.

It’s not that I’m not paying attention, like all those executives seem to assume. I am paying attention! It’s just that eating live rats is really, really messy, and unfortunately I must eat at least one live rat every hour in order to get through the the day. Believe me, I wish this wasn’t the case. But sparing my colleagues from having to watch me gnaw through the neck of a live rat, and then suck as much blood out of it as I can before it goes cold, during one of our regular “team-building” exercises feels like the least I could do. Should I really, truly, be punished for protecting the sensitive eyes of my bosses, who I have found in the past are squirmy babies when it comes to my rat snacks?

Why am I desanguinating live rats throughout the work day? Frankly, that is none of your business. All I will say is that I suffer from a condition which requires me to feed this way, and that there are much worse things than rats that I could be eating. Believe me!!!

It’s not like these are talented rats. They aren’t Remy. They can’t cook. They are just a simple way to control my thirst. Still, you should have seen the way some of my colleagues RECOILED when they first saw me eating my rats early on in the pandemic. But I’m a considerate colleague! I can read a virtual room! I started turning my camera off so that my colleagues wouldn’t get distracted from their jobs by me. I care!

And look, this is not just an issue for those of us on staff who partake in the hourly consumption of rat blood. Do my colleagues not also deserve the same privacy? They may not have hourly feeding schedules that if disrupted would transform them into blood-thirsty monsters who would be forced to creep under the cover of darkness, collar turned high, in search of richer blood elsewhere. But they might have their own perfectly good reasons for keeping the camera off. Maybe they didn’t have time to shower because their kids were being menaces, or they want to take notes and don’t want their coworkers to screenshot them with their red eyes all zoned out. Perhaps they just do not feel like pretending to be thrilled to be in some meeting that could have absolutely been a four-line email. I’m sure everyone has their own legitimate reasons for wanting to turn the camera off now and then. Even if it is not something as serious as a soul-rending thirst for warm, nourishing blood—god, there is so little blood in these rats! And it gets cold so fast!—that drives my colleagues to occasionally seek some privacy, I still believe their autonomy should be respected.

Plus, where does this madness end? Am I going to be fired for wanting to keep my rat feast private? What about the HR professional at my last job, who told me that I wasn’t allowed to eat my rats in the office because it was a disruption?

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Stop eating rats?! I’ll quit first! Good luck to the next person who has to try and eat rats discreetly with their camera on, while also juggling all the other petty and stupid demands executives have to make themselves feel important. It’s harder than it looks!