If Porky Pig Attempts To Rap Anywhere Near Me I Will Turn Him Into Carnitas

There is a scene in Stefano Sollima's glossy international miniseries ZeroZeroZero where a group of Italian mobsters pull a large pig out of its pen and, with some effort, hang it upside down by its hind legs from an overhead hook, positioned over a bucket. The pig thrashes and squeals in a terrible panic. A large blade is passed along its neck. Blood goes everywhere. A crude mug is dipped into the bucket and then passed around, and the various scary men chug hot pig gore while the poor beast chokes and dies. It's awful. As much sweet, sweet pork as I have enjoyed in my life, I have never wanted a pig to endure such fear and brutality.

At least, until I saw a nightmarish clip of a 3-D animated Porky Pig engaged in a rap battle in the upcoming Space Jam sequel. I would drink this pig's blood as he watched, and then I would call him a "piece of shit" to his face as the last of the light faded from his eyes.

I don't want to make it like Porky Pig has ever had a whole lot of dignity. The guy routinely wears a shirt but no pants, indicating he observes the custom of clothing oneself in public but just prefers to leave his pig junk hanging out there. A naked pig I can understand; a pig who gets up in the morning and puts on a shirt with no pants plainly wants you to confront his exposed groin area. Point is, I have never fully approved of this pig's behavior.

But this Bieber-esque pig with the puffer vest and the tinted shades, who looks nothing like Porky and sounds nothing like Porky, and who is rapping poorly in quite possibly the least appealing movie trailer I have ever seen—I don't know who this awful hell pig is, but I refuse to believe he is Porky.

This pig, if I see him coming, I will quite simply point the bumper of my car at his chest and gun the engine. I am not a violent person, but I will murder this imposter pig. I will think nothing of putting an apple in his mouth and a sharpened spear through his anus and roasting him for hours over a hot fire. May this evil pig burn in hell for a million billion lifetimes.