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I Have Seen The Lowest Bowel Of Hell, And It Is This MLB Network Hype Video [Updated]

Wellllll, my name is Fin-Fanuel Firanda and I'm here to say, I love playoff baseball in a major way!
Screenshot via MLB Network

By far the most fascinating question to arise from the abominable, appetite-ruining, mood-destroying hype video produced by MLB Network and aired ahead of Friday’s early afternoon White Sox-Astros game, is simply: Who THE HELL is it supposed to be for? Who wants this? Who in God’s name asked for this? I demand an answer.

https://twitter.com/MLBNetwork/status/1446499123364970501

Update (10:01 p.m. ET): There once was a MLB Network tweet here, but it appears that the tweet has been deleted. However, please continue to read the rest of the blog below.

Who among any plausible cohort of Friday afternoon MLB Network viewers sees this mess on their television—skin-crawly Broadway-style singing; an interminable and world-historically embarrassing rap sequence by an F-grade aftermarket Lin-Manuel Miranda knockoff; Kristin Chenoweth—and doesn’t immediately and acutely regret a great many of the life choices that led them to this moment? Who on literally the entire planet watches this and thinks, I wasn’t so sure about baseball, but then that crazy-eyed freak shouted, “Don’t be satirical; it’s no miracle,” and now I am hooked? For that matter, who is watching MLB Network at 2:00 p.m. on a Friday for something other than an upcoming playoff game? Who is being hyped by this? What sort of person follows the MLB Twitter account and is susceptible to this angle of approach? Who? I am asking you a direct question!

I demand that the individual or individuals who are receptive to whatever the hell MLB is doing right now—there cannot be more than 10 in the entire human population— stand before me and describe their whole deal. Who are you? Stand before me and look me in the eye and list to me your values!

Before this afternoon I considered myself a fan of baseball, musical theatre, hip-hop, and television, and now it is my firm belief that all of those things must be shut down indefinitely until we can get a handle on what the fuck is going on around here.