I have just spent the last several hours doing a deep forensic study of NFL offseason workout footage released several days ago and…I just don’t understand what’s happening here, Russell Wilson.
OK, first off, Russ, did you really go and hire a full camera crew, including, I have to assume, a full craft services spread, and a post-production house, just to shoot exercise day? Did you audition a number of hopefuls for the crucial role of “guy who throws tennis ball at Russ off various surfaces and different angles?”
But maybe more importantly: What is going on with those wraparound blublockers, Russell? Are they prescription? Are you receiving real-time telemetry on that slant route? Do they help you optimize an impending hydration occasion? Perhaps they help you simulate the altitude shift in Denver from the comfort of Southern California? Judging just from the evidence Russell has provided, these glasses must be a fully licensed athletic technology:
I am willing to cut Ciara’s husband some slack here. He was traded to the Broncos after 10 years with the Seahawks and is coming off a season where he was sidelined with an injured finger. And at the age of 33, with the prime days of his career in the books, this is a guy who clearly wants to show he still has some razzamatazz for his brand new team.
Maybe I’m being too hard on him given the carnival of terrors that has been the 2022 NFL offseason. Just looking at the quarterback moves alone, you’ve got Tom Brady retiring, then deciding he couldn’t hack it in the after-school activities pickup line and returning to Tampa Bay; Aaron Rodgers re-signing in Green Bay, after seeming to be ready for divorce from the franchise; and then there’s the shitshow in Cleveland.
Look, I know we are in an era where every athlete or celebrity or influencer feels a near-constant need to use their social feeds to reshape the brandscape. The reality is that Russell doing a 2022 update to Flashdance (What A Feeling), is most certainly preferable to going on Twitter to profess you have done your own research on whatever Guatemalan tree fungus actually cures the novel cornavirus.
Wait. Hold on. This isn’t the first time he’s put together his own sizzle reel?
What the hell, man?