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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Tonight?

Illustration by Chris Thompson

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformancemismanagement, or scandal.


After guiding his Jacksonville Jaguars to a 23-20 victory over the Miami Dolphins two weeks ago, Urban Meyer got to enjoy the peace and quiet of a well-earned bye week. That week off left him feeling healthier than he has all season coming into today’s clash with the Seattle Seahawks.

It is the Defector medical team’s understanding that Meyer’s stretch of good health ended abruptly today. Following the Jaguars’ 31-7 loss to the Seahawks, in which the Jags committed 12 penalties and actually had more first downs than Seattle, Meyer was seen walking into his office while furiously punching the air. When members of his staff later entered the office to check on him, they found him in his chair, his face pressed against the desk, screaming through a nightmare. When they finally managed to wake Meyer up, he informed them that he’d just had “the most awful nightmare” in which he saw himself murdering the entire Jaguars’ roster and “chopping them up into tiny pieces.” He then insisted on showing his staff the game plan for their upcoming contest with the Bills, which was nothing more than an entire ream of paper with the words “Buddy deserves a night out” typed on them over and over again.

Meyer was last seen leaving the stadium with a pronounced limp. Sources tell us that he was overheard saying that he would “give his goddamn soul for a glass of beer,” and mentioning something about needing to find some peace and quiet to “outline his new book project.”

Meyer is currently in extremely poor health. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.