Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformance, mismanagement, or scandal.
Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer recently enjoyed his longest sustained period of good health in what felt like years. Decades! First the cool, wet air of the London autumn somehow invigorated Urban’s recently dire condition; though an acute episode of severe night terrors one week later represented a worrying regression, Meyer was seen strutting around boldly and with a glowing complexion the following weekend, suggesting encouragingly that Meyer’s troubling health issues may finally have ended for good. As recently as one week ago, Meyer was experiencing what could be described as “average health,” which given his medical history qualifies as a near-miracle.
In an instance of pure random happenstance, Meyer’s turnabout coincided with what appeared to be an encouraging turn in the disastrous season of his Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jags delivered Meyer’s first NFL win in London; two weeks later, following his narrow survival of the limping, swearing, screaming, ax-wielding episode, Meyer’s Jaguars won again, this time over the heavily favored Buffalo Bills. Last week they competed bravely against the Indianapolis Colts. Even in a loss, it was possible to see the outlines of a semi-competent professional football team.
Unfortunately, that run of play came to a crashing halt Sunday. The Jaguars lost handily to the mediocre San Francisco 49ers, at home. Rookie quarterback Trevor Lawrence played like a rookie; the Jaguars mustered a mere 200 total yards of offense and possessed the ball for just 22 minutes; eight penalties for 56 yards further neutered the team’s underpowered attack. At 20–3, the game was functionally over at halftime.
It is the Defector medical team’s understanding that Meyer’s health took an agonizing turn for the worse Sunday afternoon. Following his team’s 30–10 loss, Meyer was observed coughing up disturbing quantities of a mealy black slime, which gave off a powerful odor not unlike that of rotting onions. His skin took on a sickly, oily sheen; an explosive, involuntary bowel movement shredded the seat of his trousers; most worryingly of all, Meyer was heard lowing like a steer and gibbering in tongues from the visiting trainer’s room. Several doctors were seen fleeing the room in states of despair. A lone priest, solemn and wan and exhausted-looking, distractedly smoked a cigarette in a nearby corner.
Meyer is currently in extraordinarily poor health. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.