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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Today?

Illustration: Chris Thompson/Lauren Theisen

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformance, mismanagement, or scandal.


The Jacksonville Jaguars won their first game in 399 days this weekend, and all they had to do was travel 7,000 kilometers. Urban Meyer’s boys ended the second-longest losing streak in NFL history, which began in Week 2 of the 2020 season, by taking down the similarly struggling Miami Dolphins in London, 23-20. While several Jaguars put in solid performances, the hero of this contest was Matthew Wright, the Jacksonville kicker who contributed the first three field goals of the Jags’ woeful season.

Wright won the game with his foot as time expired, but the way he tied it was much more memorable. With under four minutes to go, Wright’s 54-yard attempt looked to be headed way to the right before making a baffling turn inside the upright. This is the kind of luck that’s evaded Meyer and the Jags all year.

It is the Defector medical team’s understanding that, in the aftermath of his first NFL victory, Urban Meyer has been diagnosed with acute onset Anglophilia. Symptoms of this illness include early-morning cravings for beans, sudden dyslexia while driving, and the inability to use one’s hands. Sources say that Meyer has an appointment to get those stupid Mod bangs and is looking at used ’60s Vespas. He has burned his passport and has since announced his intentions to seek asylum in the UK, citing the persecution he received in his home country.

“Oi, lads, which of you muppets fancies having some nosh and getting pissed at the pub during the Magpies match?” he was heard asking his celebratory players. “I’ve got proper quid in me trousers and I’d be right chuffed to cover the pints.”

Urban Meyer is currently in dodgy health. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.