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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Today?

Illustration: Chris Thompson

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformancemismanagement, or scandal.


Jacksonville Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer spent last week humiliating himself in front of the press after video of his grim men’s evening went viral. Yesterday, he was finally able to put all of that behind him and get back to doing his actual job: humiliating himself on an NFL sideline.

The Jaguars are now 0-5 after falling to the Titans yesterday, 37-19. The Jags got run over by Titans running back Derrick Henry, who ran for three touchdowns and 130 yards. Despite trailing the entire game, the Jags had a chance to make things interesting early in the fourth quarter when they moved the ball down to the Titans’ goal line. With the score at 31-19, Meyer’s offense faced a fourth-and-goal and needed to move the ball just a few inches forward in order to score. Meyer called for a run play instead of a quarterback sneak, which ended up in with Carlos Hyde losing three yards and turning over the ball on downs. When Meyer was asked why he didn’t call for a sneak in that situation, he blamed in on rookie quarterback Trevor Lawrence’s comfort level:

Lawrence disagreed with that assessment:

It is the Defector medical team’s understanding that Meyer has not yet left the Jaguars’ stadium, and is currently quarantined within the home locker room. The decision to isolate Meyer was made when, following his press conference, a mysterious black substance began to ooze from his ears and eyeballs. A source close to the Jaguars has informed the Defector medical team that Meyer is currently suffering from what appears to be “some kind of wasting disease” and is thought to be highly contagious. “He’s in the locker room with plastic sheets and tents everywhere, and nobody can see him without wearing a hazmat suit,” the source said. The Jaguars are supposed to travel to London this week to play the Dolphins, but it is highly doubtful that Meyer will be allowed to enter the United Kingdom because, as our source put it, “Nobody wants whatever type of shit he’s got.”

Meyer is currently in extremely poor health. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.