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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Today?

Urban Meyer meter reading "Oh No!"
Illustration by Chris Thompson

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformance, mismanagement, or scandal.


Urban Meyer coached his second game in the NFL today, and the result was scarcely an improvement upon his debut. Though Meyer’s Jaguars managed a long and impressive drive at the beginning of the game to take a 7-0 lead, they failed to score again until it was too little and too late, falling to the Denver Broncos 23-13 in the franchise’s 17th consecutive loss. Broncos quarterback Teddy Bridgewater completed 26 of 34 passes for 328 yards and two touchdowns, far outshining rookie Jags QB Trevor Lawrence, who went just 14-for-33 with 118 yards and a pair of picks.

It is the Defector medical team’s understanding that Urban Meyer is currently dealing with severe lightheadedness, gallbladder inflammation, an itchy thigh, and swelling near the humerus. Though Meyer was noted to have seen a small improvement in his symptoms upon Jamal Agnew’s kick return for a touchdown in the fourth quarter, he was said to have taken a turn for the worse as soon as Jacksonville failed to recover the ensuing onside kick. We are told that Brian Schottenheimer, the Jaguars passing game coordinator, has carried Meyer to a couch somewhere within team facilities and is currently holding a cold washcloth to the coach’s head. Sources say Meyer is currently delirious, repeatedly muttering the nonsense phrase, “Fight On for ol’ SC.”

Though it could be argued that Meyer in slightly better shape than last week, the coach is still currently in very poor health. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.