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Most of you weren’t alive when this anthem to getting lost was first conceived 52 years ago by the underappreciated Dan Hicks of Dan Hicks and the Hot Licks. But then Urban Meyer decided to start his redemption tour with a strained apology to anyone who might still think of him as a hirable coach, through the auspices of the NFL Network’s Ian Rapoport. The result was predictably turgid, tedious, and, well …

How can I miss you when you won’t go away?
Keep telling you day after day
But you won’t listen, you always stay and stay
How can I miss you when you won’t go away?

Meyer didn’t say that, exactly. And Hicks, who died in 2016, wrote the aforementioned song while Richard Nixon roamed the Earth, which should give you a clue about how long this sentiment has been a necessary part of American culture. Here’s what Meyer said to Rapoport:

“I just apologize to Jacksonville. I love Jacksonville. It’s one of the reasons I took the job. I still think Shad’s a great owner. It’s heart-breaking. I just had a dream of it becoming a destination place with a new facility he agreed to build and some day to walk into that stadium where it’s standing room only. Because I know how bad the people of Jacksonville want it. So, I’m just heartbroken that we weren’t able to do that. I still believe it’s going to be done. It’s too good of a place.”

In order of rebuttal: 

OK, fine. 
No he doesn’t, and no it wasn’t. 
Maybe Khan is a great owner, but that won’t prevent Meyer from suing him to get his money. 
I’m sure it is. 
Those aren’t dreams, those are hallucinations. 
He is as interested in the people of Jacksonville as he is Josh Lambo. 
And yes, it will get done, but by then the Jaguars will be playing in Birmingham. Not the Alabama Birmingham. The England Birmingham.

But wait, there’s more! 

“I tell people, losing eats away at your soul. Once you start losing, it’s hard on everybody. I thought at one point, when we won two out of three, there was some momentum, great energy, the defense was really playing well. We were running the ball and then when that dried up on us, then we started turning the ball over. We had that bye week and then James Robinson gets hurt.”

We’re all sure he hates losing. Bill Belichick hates it, too. And the winning two out of three games belies the fact that, in the NFL, everyone gets hurt all the time. Not to mention the other 10 losses, including the five consecutive losses since the Bills game.

Here comes the refrain.

Your never ending presence really cramps my style
I dream that it won’t always be the same
At first I was attracted but after a while
Have you ever heard of the hard-to-get game?

Meyer semi-denied the Lambo incident and even said, “It was like, ‘Wait a minute, where is this coming from?’ I’ve certainly made a few mistakes but those weren’t right.”

Maybe. We weren’t there, but it does beg the question how does a kicker who hasn’t been on the roster for weeks has that level of influence? But Meyer also had some things to say about Spine-Deficient America.

“Just society has changed. You think how hard you pushed. … I believe there is greatness in everybody and it’s the coach’s job to find that greatness however you do that. Positive encouragement. Pushing them to be greater, making them work harder, identifying flaws and trying to fix [them]. I think everything is so fragile right now. And that includes coaching staffs. When I got into coaching, coaches weren’t making this kind of money and they didn’t have agents. Everything is so fragile where it used to be team, team, team. I remember talking about it in a staff meeting three days ago. I got into this profession because I had the greatest high school coach and it was all about team. All about the huddle.”

Oh. America has failed him! Got it. But Khan didn’t … until the money argument begins.

“I love our owner Shad, Shad’s a great man. Two reasons I took the job: One for him, the second reason was I loved Jacksonville and wanted to help turn around an organization that had been struggling.”

Actually, there was a third reason. The 50-some-odd million scoots. Let’s try not to forget that.

And then comes the next refrain.

Out of three billion people, why must it be me?
Oh, why, oh, why won’t you cut me loose?
Just do me a favor and listen to my plea
I’m not the only chicken on the roost

There are now more than seven billion people, that’s how old this song is, but the point remains the same. None of us are the only chicken on the roost, and that includes Meyer. He played his way out of his dream job in his dream town in 11 months, and his next game will be in a courtroom while his briefcases and Khan’s briefcases argue about the meaning of “cause.” And yeah, he’ll probably get another coaching gig if he wants it, even though he said he was done coaching when he was at Fox, speaking of chickens and roosts.

But first, we all need a break, and by “we,” we mean “and yes, Urbs too.” Rapoport did his duty by getting Meyer on the phone, but that should be it for him for a while. Because then comes one more refrain that we shouldn’t need to repeat.

How can I miss you when you won’t go away?
I keep telling you day after day
But you won’t listen, you always stay and stay
How can I miss you when you won’t go away?
And I mean it, too
.