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Olympics

Go Ahead And Hump, The Beds Can Take It

Recyclable cardboard beds and mattresses for athletes during a media tour at the Olympic and Paralympic Village for the Tokyo 2020 Games, is seen in the Harumi waterfront district of Tokyo on June 20, 2021. (Photo by Akio KON / POOL / AFP) (Photo by AKIO KON/POOL/AFP via Getty Images)
Akio Kon/Pool/AFP via Getty Images

I want to assure you the Olympic athletes are fucking. You might’ve thought they weren’t, but you got bad info; they definitely are, safely and freely. Even some of the athletes themselves, confronted with somewhat unusual beds in their dorms in the Fuck Village (formerly the Olympic Village), bought into and spread the rumor that the Tokyo organizers were trying to stop them from going to town on each other like there was no tomorrow. It was an inherently silly notion—the planet’s greatest athletes could probably figure out ways to Do It standing up—and quickly debunked. But that hasn’t stopped Olympians from running their own tests, making sure their beds can take a pounding, so to speak. That’s the scientific method in action.

To recap: The beds are indeed cardboard, though not, as hypothesized, to discourage bonking in an attempt to control the spread of COVID. They are made of cardboard because they’re from recycled (and recyclable) material, a nod at making the Olympics a little more sustainable. They are perhaps not the most comfortable beds in the world, but they’re good enough. And they are not, more importantly, designed to collapse under the weight of two people, or three, or four, or an entire water polo team, or however freaky you want to get. American distance runner Paul Chelimo, who did the most to spread the “anti-sex bed” theory, was prematurely spouting off.

Chelimo’s confusion was understandable. Organizers are advising against buying a one-way ticket to Bonetown, but only as part of a larger COVID-driven discouragement of socializing of all kinds; sex isn’t special. This can lead to some awkward messaging. Athletes were specifically advised, for one, to drink alcohol by themselves alone in their rooms. For another, 160,000 condoms are being handed out, with advice to take them home and use them there. I do not expect that advice will be strictly followed. (The condoms are also required to be thicker, latex models, instead of the Japanese condom industry’s prized ultra-thin polyurethane models. Maybe the IOC is anti-sex.)

But it’s not the beds’ fault. Earth’s fittest, horniest young people will be able to bring back new friends to their rooms to place their regular order at In-N-Out and not have to worry about a lack of support. As the Olympians arrive in Tokyo, they’ve been putting the beds through their paces. And they’re passing with flying colors.

One gymnast jumping? Check.

Two or three Mexican athletes? Double and triple check.

Every punishment the Team USA women’s rugby sevens team can envision? Oh hell yeah you better believe that’s a check.

I think the evidence is pretty clear: There’s coitus going on. Lots of it. Probably non-stop acrobatic, athletic, marathon sessions. Everyone’s doing it, all the time.

Everyone except this poor bastard: