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MLB

Disgusting Slobs Bored By Oakland A’s

Screenshot: YES Network

The Yankees basically never lose, and so it follows that at this particular point in the season—a good distance away from the enthusiasm of Opening Day, not quite near enough to the playoffs—that some players on the roster might actually be getting bored with all that winning. Throw a comfortable team like that into a game against the 25-51 Oakland A’s, and you’ve got the makings for a true boredom crisis.

Baseball players enjoy many advantages in life that are not available to us commoners, and some of those advantages can be found in an MLB dugout during a low-scoring summer game. What can any of us do in the upper deck while counting the minutes tick by? Look at our phones? Pay $13.50 for a domestic beer? Try to start the wave? An MLB player never has to make such compromises when confronted with the desire to do anything else but pay attention to the game unfolding before him. He can practice doing cool handshakes with his teammates, play that one game where you try to toss a ball onto the dugout steps without it rolling off, or this:

As commentator Cameron Maybin explains in the clip above, the Yankees were playing a game in which the goal was to toss a chewed-up piece of gum as close as possible to a sprinkler head near the lip of the grass. I can find no fault in this game. To me, there is no tradition as sacred as a bunch of fellas getting together to figure out who is the best at throwing a thing closest to another thing. I wish I were doing that right now! I will, however, object to the setting the boys have chosen for this competition. Someone had to clean that shit up, and unless the players retrieved their own gobs of old gum, clean-up duty most likely fell to some poor groundskeeper. If that’s the case, then the Yankees who participated in this game violated the core ethic that all groups of bored dudes must adhere to, which is to never let your boredom do harm unto another dude. They should all be suspended for at least 15 games.