The nation of Denmark will be competing on the pitch this afternoon against the disgusting, colonizing English. You may not be aware of this, but as of this morning I’m from Denmark. Denmark is my home and I love it very much. The people of Denmark have stretched out their arms to me, handed me delicious open sandwiches on rye bread called Smørrebrød, and fed me the freshest seafood. Today we will celebrate the national sport of our country by playing football against the dreaded English, who may claim to be the birthplace of football, but haven’t done poppycock to help raise it. Denmark, my mother country, is the future of football.
Readers, I am Danish now, as I have always been, and I am here to tell you it will not be “comin’ ‘ome.”
The British have long had a campaign against the fine country of Denmark, and yet, they are obsessed with us! Where is the greatest Shakespeare play, Hamlet, set if not in the magical land of Denmark? The British fans think that we hate them because they are a terrible colonizing enterprise that basically ruined two entire continents in the span of a single century (true), but why would we hate them for that when we could hate them for being annoying!
What? You’re going to root for one of the greatest empires of all time to have another win so that they can use it as an excuse to make another damn HBO show about their boring royal family drama where everyone is just quietly disappointed in one another? You’re going to root for Harry Kane and Raheem Sterling? Last I checked, the only international trophies these two lads have are participation trophies.
No. No. What you want is scrappy little Denmark. Why Not Denmark? Their star player almost died, but they are pressing forward anyway. They are beautiful tan boys with big smiles. They are the underdog, the little guys! Some might even say they are destined to win.
But really, you should root for Denmark because it is my home now. I love my new home. Denmark is a fantasy. In Denmark, we work 33 hours a week. The minimum wage is $20 an hour. University is free. Medical care is free. Child care is … say it with me … FREE. What are you? AGAINST HAPPINESS? Against a government that works? Against a people who are “happy to pay taxes” and riding their bikes around without fear that an accident could bankrupt their entire family? Denmark is the second happiest place on earth according to the 2020 World Happiness report, behind Finland. And it’s not as cold in Denmark!
And when it is cold, we Danes know what to do. Remember that trend of being cozy, known as hygge that every lifestyle blogger adopted a couple of years ago? That’s Danish! The adjective form, hyggeligt, can be used to describe all sorts of hygge activities. The example the Denmark government gives is taking a winter walk in nature and observing how the plants and animals are coping with the cold weather. Aww. Just like we will do after we bury the lads of England up to their necks in snow.
The cup is coming home, to the place where it’s been before. To my home. Denmark.