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Dadfector

34 Things I Say To My Kids A Million Times A Day

Father entertains five children with a toy airplane as mother carries in a tray of food circa 1950. (Photo by FPG/Getty Images)
FPG/Getty Images

Seven years ago, back when I was writing for Deadspin, I wrote this small list of things I said to my kids constantly. My kids were little back then, and little kids need to be told something roughly 58,000,000 times before it finally sets in, and that was if I was LUCKY. 

But now my kids are older and more self-sufficient, which means my wife and I don’t have to fuss over them as much as we used to.  Now, does that stop me from still telling them things they don’t wish to hear?  Ha! Hardly.  You see, these are the only people I see and talk to on a regular basis, and I have nothing else going on in my life.  That means that my children now get bombarded, as a matter of routine, with a litany of dad facts, dad sounds, and now dad soundbites like these…

  1. “What?”
  2. “You finished eating that?”
  3. “You can buy that with your own money.”
  4. “That was very sweet of them!”
  5. [Sees rain outside] “It’s raining!”
  6. “Will you just sit normally?”
  7. “You know, you guys WANTED this dog.”
  8. “You sure you don’t want a jacket?”
  9. “I was still charging my phone!”
  10. [They’re just home from school] “How was your day?!”
  11. [Peering over their phones] “Whatcha watchin’?”
  12. “Whatcha eatin’?”
  13. “Whatcha listening to?”
  14. “Hey, I was watching that!”
  15. “You got your water bottle?”
  16. [Before I address any problem they’re having with something] “Let’s see what we got here…”
  17. [Regarding a friend they haven’t seen since kindergarten and who moved to another city like five years ago] “You ever hang out with him these days?”
  18. [They mention someone else they’ve been friends with for the past five years] “Have I met this person?”
  19. “Is that something that like, all the kids at school are into?”
  20.  [At 7:55] “It’s eight o’clock! Let’s go!”
  21. “I just sat down!”
  22. “I’m not driving you that far no way.”
  23. “There’s a fox outside!”
  24. “I’ll think about it.”
  25. [While I’m looking at my own phone] “I don’t want you just staring at screens all day.”
  26. [As I myself reach into a box of Cheez-Its] “I don’t want you just snacking all day.”
  27. “Really? Huh!”
  28. [Right before dinner starts] “This looks good!”
  29. [To them and their friends riding in the backseat] “You guys comfortable back there?”
  30. “If you’re gonna throw that, please throw it in the basement or outside.”
  31. [Holding up my phone, which is displaying something I already emailed to them] “You gotta see this.”
  32. “You just bought those shoes!”
  33. “I’m going to bed.”
  34. “Hell no.”